Category: The Beat Without

by Armando R. Gonzalez and Floyd D. Collins, San Quentin State Prison, CA Ok Mr. Collins, the topic is “Building more trust.” Man, where do I begin? I guess first off for me, when I hear “Trust” I really hear vulnerability. When I think about trusting, I feel a mix of feelings, hurt, anxiety, excitement, longing, anger and hope. In my past I believed trust was a sucker’s bet. Today, I see that trust is not a feeling. It’s a choice. A decision that sometimes is made intuitively but often needs to be re-evaluated and remade. This might include communicating

by Elton Kelley, San Quentin State Prison, CA Seldom during my time of incarceration have I found anything of significant beauty. I understand it’s prison, after all, and beauty is not normally to be associated and certainly is not one of the prison’s design criterion.  A couple of years ago I spotted some deer grazing on the hill situated on the northwest end of San Quentin Peninsula where California’s oldest prison is located. The hilltop is visible from most vantage points within the facility so nearly anyone interested can catch a peek of whatever is going on up there. On

by Jesse Ayers, San Quentin State Prison, CA It took years for me to slowly recover. I used to be an emotional zombie, burnt the eff out! It really was (is) sad. I have been sober almost eight years now! This St. Patrick’s Day will be eight years clean! The purpose of me writing this to The Beat Within. My only purpose to my writing to The Beat Within, is to inspire someone else who might be going through the same thing.  Today I understand the neuropathic process of releasing endorphins inside the brain. It’s a lot like a MSD

by Juan Moreno Haines, San Quentin, CA I recently read something that said the average person lives 900 months. Then, I took my age 64, and multiplied it by twelve. 768. Wow. I have 132 months? Now, imagine how I might feel, having spent the last 321 months in prison. It’ll really ground you into reality. It made me think deeply about this prompt.  Today, I don’t do things that I know in my heart is wrong or would bring shame upon me. I don’t have time for that. You may have way more time on this planet than I

by Eric M., Youth Facility in Rikers Island in East Elmhurst, New York It can be crazy being a teen! For today, while I was getting my haircut I felt dizzy to the point of passing out. After my haircut I could not stand so I figured I’d feel better after a shower. I placed a chair inside the shower stripped off my clothing and sat in the chair as the cool water hit me.  After a bit I was a bit better, I got dressed. I was on my way to see staff out the medical station when I

by Heather Daoust, California Institution for Women in Corona, CA I noticed I always tread lightly when I write for The Beat Without. Maybe too lightly. I pop in and out with short spurts then long silence. I always digest my readers and audience.  I think what screws me up is I’m near thirty and doing life in prison. I think of juvie as kids. Kids, to me, are innocent. I always wished to have a child and when I lost my unborn child it put a holy glow on the idea of any and every child. So, in a

by Mesro Coles-El, San Quentin State Prison, San Quentin, CA “You don’t have to become something you’re not to be better than you were. A person doesn’t have to change who he is to become better.” -Sidney Poitier I admit that I did not know how true this quote was until I got myself locked up. See, I spent a lot of time trying to fit in with people I discovered did not care about me at all. Only my closest friends told me that it was okay to be by myself, but I kept on trying to fit in

by Brotha Dee, San Quentin State Prison in San Quentin, CA I pray that all is well with you all and the whole Beat team!? As for me, I’ve been great since I’ve returned to San Quentin. It kind of hurt my heart a bit to find that quite a few didn’t notice my absence. I was gone for a total of five weeks; three weeks in the psychiatric crisis unit at CMF (California Medical Facility) in Vacaville, and two weeks in AC before returning to San Quentin without the Covid vaccine. As I sang about my Lord and Savior,

by Efren Bullard I will continue to search me and try to understand me. I sit here thinking about life all the time wondering, “Who am I?” I’m the guy who likes to sit on the beach looking at the ocean crash into itself while the moon sits over the water allowing you to see how beautiful it really is.  I’m the guy who thinks about taking a trip up to Big Bear in the winter just to look at the animals play in the snow. I’d like to watch the eagles fly as well as sit at the top

by Leo Cardez, Dixon Correctional Center in Dixon, Illinois In prison, most of us spend our days bathed in fluorescent lighting starring at four walls. If we’re lucky maybe we have a TV or the occasional gym or yard recreational time. Most prisons are iron and concrete edifices; cold, austere human warehouses. Our separation from society is court mandated and unquantifiable painful, but our separation from the natural world is quantifiably damaging to our health and psyche. We came to prison as punishment, not for punishment. Our connection to nature is far more important to our cognition and other aspects