-Hugo, California Health Care Facility in Stockton, CA
During my thirty plus years of incarceration, I made a life changing decision in 2013 when I joined CGA’s Correspondence/Prep Program, while being housed in the SHU Program at Pelican Bay State Prison. In the first assignments that I received, I quickly realized that CGA was attacking the conditioning and beliefs that have been instilled in me through this lifestyle.
For so many years I have been tricked into believing that gangsters don’t snitch, nor do they divulge any information revolving their constitution. Knowing from an early age that joining a gang was a decision that was a choice of a lifetime and failure to honor these codes would result in death.
By getting myself more entrenched into the gang lifestyle, that’s when I realized how hard it would be to step away or have a future where my opinion is the only one that mattered. Living just for today and not looking forward to the future began to seem disappointing in the sense of wasting my life.
Even before this program I knew in 2010 that a change in my life was necessary and stepping away from this gang lifestyle was just the beginning. Through my distorted thinking, I failed to use critical thinking when faced with intense circumstances that affected me emotionally causing me to make triggered decisions instead of logical ones.
Conflicted, in my heart I knew like in step three of CGA, I was no longer violent yet the gang lifestyle still had its hoofs in me. Seeing my struggle to change, my sponsor began assisting me with my recovery by taking the time to guide me through the twelve steps of recovery in CGA.
CGA has enlightened me in understanding that change is a gradual process that requires consistency and doesn’t come instantaneously. CGA has been my light to see darkness because the darkness was really what has influenced me to continue to make the wrong decisions.
Now, I’m having the opportunity to take a good look at the life I was living. CGA has given me a clearer version of what life can look like and the pathway of obtaining such happiness.
In following this path, I have been able to take the necessary steps of making both sincere and effective strides to recovery from the lifestyle addictions of illegal activities. Before the trust and confidence in the process, there were times of hopelessness, in search of a miracle cure to rewrite the wrongs I have done. Believing that relapse was around the corner, my tattoos, gang lifestyle, and criminal behavior discouraged me into believing recovery was something of an illusion. Bringing me back to reality, CGA helped me in being honest, calm, responsible, unselfish, and to be secure within myself.
Through CGA I was able to get to the root causes of my past gang involvement and because of this I have finally learned how to break free from the cycle of violence and crime. This group has taught me to change my attitude from a prison attitude to a regular person living outside of prison.
I learned that the way people act in prison is completely different from how everyone else in the world acts. It has also helped me break out of the habits that I learned being in the gang and prison, like always fighting to show power and always needing to act tough.
As a facilitator I have learned to be polite and understanding towards people instead of always taking people’s actions personally and thinking that I need to teach everyone a lesson. CGA isn’t just about me sharing my story, it’s about digging deep, facing my past head on, and learning how to deal with my emotions in a healthier way.
Today, I can see the change within myself that I never thought possible. I have come to realize that in order to see change, you must be one hundred percent committed with no expectations of cutting corners. Realizing that it is all or nothing, I must understand that I am a recovering criminal gang member and this is the process. Seeing that my transformation is real I must continue to walk the CGA way.
Through this transformation, I understand that my destiny is not just a matter of change but a matter of choice that I choose to believe in. I now have the privilege of choosing my morals, my values, my thoughts, and my feelings.
I’m completely stepping away from the gang and criminal lifestyle addictions. I now have the freedom to feel the feeling of normalcy and being secure within my own means. This is the process I choose to believe in that promotes my new beliefs as my destiny continues to unfold producing untold amounts of happiness for my life.