by D, Sacramento
Love is a tough subject for me in many ways. It’s something I’ve always desired, despised, fiended for and got the tough side of. I didn’t get it when I needed it and it was something I gave up on. It seems that the love I give out, I never get in return.
Nobody shows the unconditional love that I do. The loyalty through thick and thin. It’s messed up ain’t it. Yeah now let me tell you what made me have the desire for love. I grew up without my mother because she died when I was two. That was the first dead body I ever saw but not the last. Not having that motherly figure made me not have that motherly love in my life. All the times your mother has comforted you during a rough time, I never had that experience. I mean I had my granny but she had thirty other grandkids to worry about. Plus we ain’t get that close until recently. All I had was my dad and his love language was hit and yell. I feel that led me into having thick skin and that led me to have a cold heart.
Since childhood I always wanted to feel loved but didn’t care for it. I ended up falling in love with my home roots. The streets comforted me when no one else did. The reason I despise love is because I fell in love with this girl once. Like I actually loved her, not just puppy love. She made me feel special, made me feel important and she was my getaway from the streets. I told her everything. I really loved her then she broke my heart. She broke up with me around my third month in here and left my life completely around the year mark.
That really messed up my head because she told me all the right things and left me. She made me feel like it was forever. Now I’m fiending for that feeling. I looked for everything she gave me in other people but could not find it. It left me in a dark place because I thought it was my fault. I started to think the streets was all I could rely on but deep down I longed for that love again. I still do but the streets can’t love me forever.