by Harry Goodall, Jr., San Quentin State Prison, CA
There have been many things I have done wrong in my life and there are some things that I done due to peer pressure. However there are other things I did in life just out of being hurt and wanting to hurt other people. So let’s take a trip down a road of a vicious cycle I created by a mistake I made.
For a few reasons I dropped out of school. It wasn’t that I had bad grades or didn’t enjoy any of the studying. It was just that I had grown tired of the struggle with everything that was going on with my life. I think about it now and recall reading a book actually it was a dictionary while at the dinner table. My mom wasn’t in agreement with what I was doing. I couldn’t see anything wrong with the action I was doing.
After all I was preparing to represent my school in a District Spelling Bee. What lead or prompted this, still isn’t really clear, but I remember being smacked out of my seat and as my ears were still ringing she said, “Oh you a smart mutha….”
I was so hurt I couldn’t even cry and I was so shocked I couldn’t even breathe. As I grasped for air to fill my lungs she calmly walked away and returned to the living room.
My brother and sister sat at the table and wouldn’t even look at me. Can you imagine that? When I told my aunts about it, they couldn’t even console me. I was told don’t worry Harry, she still loves you. I had no answer or response to it but what I can say is from that point on I lost my passion to learn. I lost my passion to read. I lost my willingness to want to study.
This made me a new person. This abuse made me want to victimize people who thought they were smart. I did this because I was a really hurt person. I turned into a person with no dignity because I was crying inside but afraid to let anyone see me cry. I had learned so much toxic thought patterns I began to drink though not old enough to do so. This destructive tidal wave consumed me and all those around me. I surrounded myself with people filled with pain.
The end is to be determined. I am a work in progress. I am still learning how to heal every day I wake up. The biggest difference is I have learned to be vulnerable and talk about it now. Hopefully you’ll do the same one day.