by Shane, Sonoma
Part of me is mad at the world. Most of me. Maybe all of me. I don’t know. This anger is the only thing that’s ever really told me I have a self, an identity. I’ve heard plenty of people tell me they love me for who I am, make me feel whole and welcomed, welcomed only to be hurt again. When does one say forget it, I’m the cold one now?
Well, I have. It’s better than what I was before, a weak and emotionless mentality. But I’m now seeing that I need to find a balance between my defense mechanisms and my emotions. I know it doesn’t sound healthy, but I feel as though some anger I have, I need to hold on to.
Ultimately, I use it as energy for good things. I just can’t let it fog my mind. Currently, I can’t forgive anyone, and if I told you about the road I’ve been treading, you’d understand, but I finally feel like myself. Forget forgiveness. Right now, that’s all that really matters to me. It’s all I really have the energy for if I’m being honest.
It may not sound like it, but this is my way of moving on. Moving on from trying to satisfy you like my well-being depends on it. Time for you to prove something to me. I now know that I have only myself to prove myself to. Anger has taught me that, and for that, I’m grateful.