by Harry Goodall Jr., San Quentin State Prison, CA
I have no idea what TV and movie writers had up their sleeve. It was a lot of movies that came out and validated dying young. I guess it can be said that these movies glamorized this ideology. At the same time, gangsta rap was taking off. It was the battle of the East Coast versus the West Coast rap styles. It was a situation of most urban or ghetto areas visualized the police as enemies. The thought left people feeling it was, “me against the world.” Our ears were filled with degrading thoughts of how your homies were everything and your family wasn’t shhh.
To normalize violence was second nature. It became a rally call that gave people a false sense of self-worth. The first time I was shot at felt like an out of body experience. I think the rush of this near death situation gave me a false sense of invisibility. I remember that at one point I felt that I would not make it to be grown. I was seeing so many people get shot or just disappear around me. The after school programs began to disappear. This left many in society with little or nothing to do for entertainment.
My immaturity was a reality that I had no control over, yet I needed to gain awareness of. It really makes me feel that there were things I had control over but was too afraid to walk my own path. I was basically a follower at this time. But who could tell me this when everyone that I chose to have around me was a follower or had their head stuck in the ground also? Have you ever heard of the saying of the blind leading the blind. This was my life at that point of it.
I am not saying that this journey I took was easy. Nor will the journey that you will take in life. However, what I can promise you is that you can find peace. In my case it took, uncovering a lot of old scars that I assumed were healed. My mind was so confused that most of the time, I found that I would wake up angry. It took me understanding that anger is normal and very natural. It is what I did with the anger that mattered the most. So maybe try to understand what you’re feeling when you’re angry. It can help you realize where your body is telling you and not allow your feelings to take control over what it is that you’re transitioning through.
I guess the scariest part of maturity is the looking back part of it all. For me I saw so many things that I could have done differently. The main take away is that I can’t change people around me. Nor can I change what the weather will be like for that day. But what I can change is how I look at those things.