by Dorrance Lockhart, San Quentin State Prison, CA
When I was 25 years old the most worse thing that could happened to me. I lost all confidence and patience with life because I lost my best friend. Now on Mother’s Day of 2005 my mother was killed. Then on top of this situation my lady who was carrying my first child lost it a week later.
That year before I knew it I became so bitter and self-destructive because within three days I found my mother’s ex-boyfriend who killed her and killed him. I was sent to prison after I cremated my mother never having the time to take or unpack all those baggage.
Now, let me point something out to you before I go on, I only smoked weed, nothing else, but during this time in prison I learned how to snort cocaine to self-medicate.
Then the monster was created because I was so bitter ‘cause God took my mother and everyone had theirs but my nightmare didn’t stop there. Two weeks before I was released 2013 from prison my granny dies on me. The is my mother’s mother the only place in my life that ever been stable in my life.
Now I have been in and out of prison since 2016 until now, 2022, because I had to understand I have been running from myself in life because I have been scared to be myself. What I have learned is that you need hope then faith to have love and that you have to feel the pain to feel love.
I believe in order for you to build your confidence you must educate through communication and not being impatient with your growth. You only grow more when you understand those lessons and don’t be uncomfortable about seeking help because it can help you later on in life.
Now from me going through this situation it had a toll on my relationships and friendships because it was hard for me to become close with anyone in life and it has infected my belief system. Until I had kids, I wanted to understand how to fix my belief system, so I don’t pass it down to them. Now in the midst of trying to find myself I moved to Dallas, Texas to be with my child, Indiah so I can be whole again.
Then something supernatural happened for me. I was reunited with a beautiful woman named Shashawn. Now I done had crush on this woman since I was about eleven years old. Here it is thirty years later. I was able to be with the woman I fantasized about since I was younger.
She taught me to admit to myself that absolutely no one gets this far alone. She has shown me that self-empowerment takes a lifetime. So it’s important to be patient with yourself and focus on the small things that are right in front of you. I want to thank Ms. Shashawn for taking a chance with me learning how to treat her right.
I want to thank her for being a stable person in my life to help me get the confidence to stop running from myself on this journey to find freedom within myself. What’s so small is so important and that is communication is the key to all challenges in life. When your mind-set is fragile the reflection in life is hard. This is why words form the wise is communication and it’s how I re-learned how to love myself.
Now, ShaShawn introduced me to some healing, Chakra’ Crystals. The ones she gave me was called a tiger’s eye stone. It helps you stay grounded, heal your emotional side and focus your energy. Ever since then I have been on a positive journey to redefine myself, to love myself because the wise words she gives me was you can’t love no one until you love yourself totally.
Now this amazing woman has been my angel without wings on earth. I have never felt this whole since I stopped using band-aids to cover up my pain, disappointments and self-destructiveness. Therefore I believe I have become a better man because I learned to express myself through communication and most importantly I learned to receive love.
I learned to allow myself to be loved in order to give love and the power of being a part of Ms. ShaShawn’s family is amazing when you feel like your own family has been taken away from you.