Happy 2023 to all you wonderful readers, writers, artists, followers, friends, associates, colleagues, and the curious. Welcome to the first issue of the new year! As is our tradition at The Beat Within, we will showcase all the covers from our past year of 2022. We truly had plenty of amazing artists sharing their talents with The Beat Within community, and we anticipate more of the same going into this new year. If you see a cover you might have missed, please do not hesitate to reach out to us and request the issue you need. As always, OT is back to share his latest editorial note.
Boy does time zip by fast. It just seemed like yesterday was January of 2022. This is 2023! We can’t waste that much time no more. We all have to stop procrastinating and get our hustle on!
First off, I want to share how my holidays were. The holidays came around and I was thinking about a lot of you young folks. On Christmas Eve on December 24th, while many people were with their loved ones celebrating, I chose to stay home, because I was really sick with a fever, chills, and a cold.
I didn’t know if it was COVID or not so I decided to stay in just in case it was I didn’t want to infect no one. So the 24th, was a real somber day for me. I went to drop off my son to his aunt’s house and came back home feeling like crap. But boy do I mean like crap. I had the chills, I actually hadn’t felt this messed up since I had COVID so COVID was the first thing that came to my mind.
As soon as I got back from dropping my son, I turned on the 49er game. My homeboy Osito always calls me during every game because he knows I’m watching every single game and he likes to color commentate on the game. He likes to tell me that (49er quarterback) Purdy is messing up, or (defensive end) Bosa is not doing his thing or that (running back) McCaffrey hasn’t busted out a run over twenty yards yet. And for most part the game against The Washington Commanders started off pretty close and it wasn’t until the third quarter when we really started running away with the game.
I watched a couple of other games that day, but obviously the highlight of my day was the 49ers. I was lying in bed the whole day, because my fever was at an all-time high. I didn’t want to talk to no one, call no one and after the game my conversation with my homeboy ended it was back to being by myself, alone in my room. Besides him no one checked up on me (Dave did, shout out Dave!), and for a December 24th, it was a pretty sucky and lonely way to spend it.
I remember flipping through the channels and finding the movie, “Armageddon,” the one with Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. I know y’all heard of it. I left it on, dozing in and out of sleep, thinking if I should stay home or leave and go visit my Uncle or even my Mom. But all I kept thinking about was whether I had COVID or not and out here in Nicaragua, we don’t have the COVID home test kits yet, and I am not going to the emergency just to go get tested. I don’t even know if that’s possible.
But as lonely as I got and as lonely as I felt, I kept thinking about all you good people in the (juvenile) halls. I knew you were all spending the holidays somewhat alone, even if you are in there with your peers, your constituents, your homies, cellie, I knew many of you all were far from being with your family. And actually thinking about all you youngstas, and OG’s, made me realize that I shouldn’t let the thoughts of loneliness creep in or feel bad about my situation.
We all have our vulnerable moments in life and sometimes those vulnerable moments creep up on us slowly like a monster or villain in a scary movie. Sometimes we are not able to see when it’s coming but when it comes, it comes when you least expect it. Is it possible that being lonely is all about perception and the way you look at life?
Many of you all locked up are spending time away from your immediate loved ones. I’ve been in that position before, matter of fact plenty of times. I started doing time as a juvenile and later in my adult years when I went to prison, that scary villain called loneliness followed me into the prison life. I would spent countless holidays behind bars away from my daughters, grandma, mother, aunts, sisters and nieces and nephews. It was a sucky feeling.
But there was always a silver lining through it all. I would always have a cellie. I would always be surrounded by people who I came to know and love at the moment, as I would refer to them as my brothers. We would make a fat holiday spread (if you know then you know), or make tamales, talk and reminisce about good times, or even wonder what our families were doing at the moment.
As lonely as it sounded, we weren’t alone. We had each other, and we made the most out of our holidays. So even if the circumstances weren’t that great we still had the time to celebrate and reflect on our year, and our lives in general.
But this year, I’m obviously not locked up, but still in another country far away from my loved ones, not really feeling the Christmas spirit. It’s like the Grinch was in my room with me, telling me that Christmas is just another day, and nothing special. Or maybe it was my conscious I don’t know. But between, thinking about you all, thinking about my life and where I’m at, and watching Bruce Willis blow himself up on the Asteroid, saving humanity and everyone on earth. I’m getting all sentimental and emotional, I realized that it’s all about how you look at life that really counts.
After sleeping for a couple of hours and after I ate my last piece of fried chicken that I had bought earlier, I quickly realized that one, I think I did not have COVID, because I could taste the chicken. And two, I should always count my blessings no matter what. I am blessed because I have my freedom, my health (well almost, ‘cause I was sick) and I had the ability to eat whatever I want, do whatever I want to do, which is more that I can say about many other people.
There are/were people that spent the holidays sick in the hospital. Some people were in bomb shelters trying to avoid missiles, from a neighboring country. Some people were left in the cold, with no electricity in the snow. Some people walked out in the snow to buy milk for their newborn and never made it back because they were swallowed up by the Snow Storm. Many people didn’t make it because of that Blizzard in Buffalo, NY.
And as I’m watching the news, and hearing all these tragic stories, I can’t help to be thankful and grateful that I was alive even though I felt like crap. Sometimes looking to see what’s around you, you will find people with worse situations than you and some of them still have so much love and faith in their heart that it’s inspiring.
So, back to my Christmas Eve, thinking about y’all and those people that are less fortunate. I was able to watch my Niner game, we won. I was able to order the food I want to eat. I had internet, electricity, cable and I was able to whether my own storm of lonely thoughts brewing in my head by counting my own blessings
See, we’re actually never alone, but the scary monster that we used to think that lived under a bed when we were little now is living in our head at times, we feel a certain way, and it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad and admit it. It’s okay to feel hurt or pain and admit it, and by admitting it, we empower ourselves and think about being resilient and conquering those feelings.
See, ignoring these thoughts of loneliness or pain, of missing your loved ones is like fanning the flames that are burning over toxic chemicals ready to blow up. That’s what usually happens when we live our lives in denial, denying our own right to feel regular and normal human emotions.
So, let it all out. Whether it’s something you’re going through, or battling with depression, anxiety, or just something that’s on your mind, don’t be afraid to confide in someone and reach out. If you don’t have that luxury, don’t forget we all have a trusty sidekick number two pencil that we could get our hands on and write down whatever we’re feeling, unloading our thoughts on paper like the snowstorm that came down on the northern parts of the country.
Be emotionally healthy. Complain, write your loved ones and tell them you miss them. Write your girl/boyfriend, your friends, your best friends, your uncle, your aunt. As long as you’re still breathing, and you have your health, then you are blessed. I know I am, and you should feel the same, no matter where you’re at or whatever you’re going through. We are never really alone.
Happy New Year y’all! OT is signing off with the utmost love and respect for each and every one of you and The Beat keeps going and going…strong!
Thank you, OT for the heartfelt piece and for sharing your powerful holiday message. We certainly hope you are now fully recovered and feeling a whole lot better. There is not much more to say here other than to wish you all the best in this new year, and to keep us/ The Beat Within in mind, as we are always here for you as a friend. Until the next issue, stay writing, stay telling your story and doing your part to heal and empower yourself for a better tomorrow! Welcome to 2023!