by Patrick Demery, San Quentin State Prison, San Quentin, CA
Richard Wright in the novel, Native Sun, “You’re trying to believe in yourself and every time you try to find a way to live, your own mind stands in the way.”
You know what that is? It’s because others have said that you were bad and they make you live in bad conditions. When a man hears that over and over and looks about him and sees that life is bad, he begins to doubt his own mind. His feelings drag him forward and his mind, full of what others say about him, tells him to go back. This piece from the book, Native Son, hit me so hard that I had to write it down.
You see, when I was younger I didn’t worry about my outward appearance. Muhammed Ali was my idol. I mean, “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” I didn’t believe anyone was as pretty as me. My problem was that I believed that I was bad on the inside. I lost my mother to domestic violence at age five (5).
My father lived a thousand miles away and I spent my formulative years in the home of an alcoholic grandmother and a physically abusive step-grandfather. I have long forgiven them for the first lie they taught me and the physical pain, but the emotional scars that they inflicted on me have yet to fully heal.
The belief that I was bad came from the words that spewed from their mouths during their bouts of drunkenness and anger. Hers were, “You are just like your mama, hardheaded, bad, no good.” His were, “I’m going to beat the devil out of you.”
Think about that a minute. I’m little more than a baby, my mother and father not there to protect me and now these people who claim to love me, tell me I’m bad. Sadly, I believed every word of what they said and had lived every day of my life with that belief. Before he died, I told my grandfather that he didn’t beat the devil out of me. He beat him into me. My very existence had been a path of destruction which began with their words.
You can’t imagine how difficult it was when I came to the realization that I had never had a healthy relationship with another human being. I don’t know how many times, I have had a woman tell me, “I love you, but you don’t love yourself,” or lose a male friend because of my inability to trust another.
I have had successes. I know that I possess above average intelligence and have never lacked the ability to dream better things to come, but all of that had been crippled by the belief that things my grandparents would say, would always be true. It has taken a lot of years and a lot of growth to finally see that lie causes me to doubt my own mind and question my self-worth.
Sometimes I wake up, look in the mirror and see the gray hair, wrinkles, and wear and tear that comes from living a life carrying the burdens of what others had labeled me. When the tears begin to flow, I think about that childhood saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I wish people would stop perpetuating that falsehood.
These tears are a testimony to the fact that with time the physical scars will eventually fade away, but the scars that words leave on the soul, they never do. Despite that, I promise it’s possible to learn to love yourself. To know that you are worthy of love and respect. You just go to challenge the lie and don’t let someone else’s words define who you are or how the rest of your life will be lived.