by D, Sacramento
I have a deep connection to this quote. Right after reading this, I got a weird feeling in my chest. It wasn’t sadness, nervousness, or happiness. I don’t know what to call it. I think the reason for this is because I tell myself and others this every day. I always say, “You’re not gonna be here forever. Keep your head up.”
Sometimes, when I tell people this, I see a sparkle of hope in their eyes. Other times, I see deep anguish, hopelessness, like they don’t believe one single thing that I said. It’s how I always try to uplift other people by focusing on the positive aspects they have in themselves or their situation. But I only see the flaws in myself and my situation.
I tell people it will get better for them, but I tell myself this is all I’ll ever be. I tell others the storm doesn’t last forever, but I see myself in an everlasting hurricane. I tell them that the dark makes the light’s value increase, but I tell myself I’m stuck in a dark cave with no light.
I don’t understand sometimes why I am so hard on myself. I already have a thousand problems I have to deal with. I shouldn’t add any extra stress on my shoulders. This I know, but I just be so upset with my situation and predicament I’m in, I hate myself for it. Even though these dark times give the sunshine more appreciation, it has damaged me deeply.
It makes it hard for me to believe that better days will come, because I never had had this happen. It makes me feel hopeless and helpless most days, like this all my life is going to be, like I’ll never matter. It’s hard to be optimistic about good times coming if all you ever saw were bad times.
When you pray, hope, and do everything in your power to succeed, but end up failing, this can take a toll on you mentally like it did me. But even though I lose and fall more times than I can count, ima keep my head up and keep telling myself through every dark night, there’s a bright day.
The day where I succeed, the day where I’m happy, a day when I smile. A day where I actually love myself. A day where I will finally be free. It has to come someday, right!