by Freddy Huante, San Quentin State Prison, San Quentin, CA
My name is Freddy Huante, I am currently in prison and wanted to write to you about my own life experiences. As I too have been lost within the Foster Care System. My goal is to inspire you to make better decisions that I did.
Yes, I used to be in your shoes and I made some very poor choices, choices that landed me in prison, serving a term of four life sentences for murder, the taking of a human life, three counts of attempted murder, with one count of Great Bodily Injury. Originally I was sentence to 91 years to life.
I have recently had a lot of my sentence taken off, because of several changes in the law, and I may have another chance to have my freedom. But this time has given me the needed chance for self-reflection, hard work and learning about why I made the decisions that led to my irresponsible actions which took another man’s life and in process caused harm to three other persons and my community.
I am from Sacramento, California and I was in the Foster Care System from the age of eight years old. I was a casualty of my parent’s drug use. I know on a personal and intimate level how drug abuse causes harm to one’s whole family, as I have 8 sisters and young brothers and sadly seven of us ended within the Foster Care System where we split up.
I ended up with my older sister and her three children. That lasted until I was sixteen going on seventeen, at which time I was kicked out into the streets without any emotional or moral support. At this time in my life I didn’t know how to express myself the way I do today at the age of 30.
I always felt hurt and alone and abandoned by my parents because I was never with them. So I always felt that I didn’t really matter because that’s how I was treated by my sister. I wish I could say it was figment of my imagination that I got the worst treatment from my “sister,” but it’s true. I suffered physical and verbal abuse.
It really would bother me, no it would scar me deeply, but still I wouldn’t express myself or make my pain known to anyone. I guarded my feelings. That is I had not yet discovered the power of my voice.
I would smoke weed or drink alcohol with my friends to cope or drown out what I was really feeling. In hiding from my feelings, I was denying my truth. Yeah, I was afraid of telling the truth, because I was always truthful with the CPS worker and in my eyes I felt that I was the reason why my family was “broken up.” That is something I have carried with me since 8 years old. So from that early experience I didn’t really trust people with power.
I know after learning about myself and my past decisions I had made. It is okay to feel what we feel without fear or shame. I have also found it helpful to seek advice from others you feel safe to talk to. I never really took advantage of the counselor’s at my school and I really wish that I had.
I was into playing sports and was exceptional in several classes, but I know if I wasn’t being so lazy I could have had a GPA higher than 2.0. I would do just enough in order to play baseball for my high school team. Eventually, I dropped out of my junior year of high school as my mind shifted to trying to get easy money, not by getting a J-O-B, but instead by the fast way. This was the worst decision I ever made.
I would go from South Sacramento over to the North area to hang out with my cousins. He would leave me at his “Trap” and I’d wait there for people who use drugs to come buy some dope. I would always leave the Trap on Sunday’s to go back to my Foster Family.
I’d come back (from the Trap) with $200 which I thought was easy money, but it was just another bad decision and I didn’t see the effects that all of this would have on my life until it was too late to stop. As my life was spinning out of control and I didn’t know how to change the direction of my life and where I was headed because I was lost. I had no realistic goals or meaningful aspirations. I just wanted to smoke weed and hang out with my friends.
One night I went to sell some drugs and got robbed at gun point. After this incident my life took a turn for the worse, as I began to stop caring about others. My mind set was if you didn’t care about me then I definitely didn’t care about you. Around March/April 2011 I was a part of taking someone’s life and the harming of three other people.
Not a day goes by that I do not wish I could take back these decisions which were reckless and irresponsible. Or reject the lifestyle I was into at the time of my poor decisions. The reality is that I can’t. But what I can do is be very mindful of how to treat people on a day to day basis. In the place and spiritual space I am today I understand with great honesty and humility that I am bound by the laws of remorse and forgiveness to restore and do no harm.
Around 2013, I was found guilty of murder, three counts of attempted murder and GBI. I was sent to prison to serve (4) four life sentences. I honestly I thought my life was over. I put it in my mind that I would just make the best of a bad situation, and continue to grow as a person.
To me prison culture was an unknown and I figured it would be a test and trial of humility and patience. I discovered I was still being hindered by residue of my old belief system: “How I cared about other people’s thoughts about me.” In the beginning, I got into several fights, and afterward I thought to myself, “Man, that was another dumb choice.” Meaning I had the power to walk away or just say no.
Today, I have made a decision to do my best to respond to disagreements, conflicts and troubling situations as a responsible adult. I am 30 years old, and I sincerely want better for myself, because I, like you, are worthy of a better life.
I would like to create a life for myself that my loved ones could be proud of me. I have studied hard to achieve my GED, which is about taking advantage of educational opportunities. Especially since I dropped out of high school. Now, I am starting on my college education. Part of my plan to prepare for a brighter future when I come back home.
The past verbal abuse I suffered tried to convince me that I am not book smarts, but I know that is far from the truth. As long as I put in that hard work and believe in myself, there isn’t anything I can’t do. That my dreams and goals are more than possible. The same goes for all of you who are reading this.
We all learn differently, but we have to brave enough to ask for help when we need it. I believe in you. All you have to do is put in the hard work. It will pay off I promise you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you do not understand something. Perhaps there is a different way for the teacher to explain it to you.
Can I please share a poem from a poet ( and Beat contributor and friend) name Truth N Poetry, it’s titled, Orange.
“…A survivor and a promise
Is who you are
A warrior healing
From inner and outer wars
Live the beauty of your truth
Not your scars
Inhale and exhale boldly
You’ve made it thus far,
With each breath, each step
You raise the bar
Steph Curry behind the arc
Batting .500, 2 over Par
I believe in you
You’re a gladiator and a self-defining star..”
Your education is key to your success in the future. To overcome the circumstance that you may be going through right now as a child or teen being raised within the system. There are a lot of things that the system, especially the Foster Care System will and should help you with if you ask for assistance. Depending upon the resources available you don’t have to leave when your eighteen. You can stay until you are 21 years old. They will help you: Find a place to stay, help you furnish your place, first month (security deposit)
These are just a few resources available.. I knew of these opportunities but did not take advantage of everything they had to offer. That being said talk to your mentor or advocate, social worker in order to know what assistance is available, for example college grants, etc. Today I am certain there are all kinds of resources available to help you make a successful transition into your adult life after leaving the “System.”
It is my hope and prayer to all who read my letter take the time to make decisions that I did at your age. Please remember your life is not a race. It’s a journey. If you are going through a difficult time in your life, I want you to know you are deserving peace and happiness and never forget that YOUR LIFE MATTERS! You are valuable and worthy.
I want you to start thinking about your decisions and how they could affect your present and future goals. Ask yourself is this the best choice for me? And what are the risks compared to benefits of the choices and actions available to you. Give yourself time to think and meditate on what your area of your life you can start working on to build your life. You are all talented and capable human beings, born with gifts and strengths.
Just stay focused until you discover your blessed purpose. You all take care and be safe. Make good decisions, so you don’t have to experience all the pain and disappointment that I’ve had to endure being in prison and not being able to see or hold my brothers, sisters and parents. The pain doesn’t completely go away, but I use it as a reminder to stay on the straight path. To honor my self-worth and to walk with dignity. We do not get to re-life the past but we are given a chance to prepare for a future.
Nope, life doesn’t always go the way we want or need it to, but we have the wisdom to control how we respond to confusing situations and circumstances in our lives. Each day we are afforded the chance to put forth an effort to life our best life.
I want to use my life as a warning sign that the road I took is a dead end road, and to further show by example that if we take the time we can make it through any storm. Sure I have some challenging days ahead, but remember trees and plants need sunshine and rain to grow.
If you take anything from this letter I want you to get this, the poisonous seduction of the street life isn’t the way to go, it’s all an ugly lie. Take your EDUCATION very seriously because it is going to expand your vision for your bold future. Is it going to be easy? Hell no! But the reward is in the hard work and dedication. There is nothing you can’t achieve. You all matter. Your life is valuable. Please make it count.