by Shon Pernice, Moberly Correctional Center in Moberly, Missouri
Cheating happens for a variety of self-centered excuses. Whether it is for revenge, loneliness, a high sex drive or being “unhappy,” infidelity boils down to an internal issue with the male ego: a low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.
I may be breaking some absurd guy code, however, I am guilty of being a chronic cheater during my marriage. My wife is deceased and I cannot look her in the eye, apologize, and attempt restitution. Furthermore, if I am able to bring solace to another woman who has suffered from this moral wrongdoing, then I must engage the topic.
I had been in only a long-term relationship before I got married at the age of 27. In each one, I had cheated. I did not get caught in some, but the suspicions were there. Then, I find a smart, attractive woman who loves me and marries me. Guess what? The cheating did not stop.
I felt ashamed when I got busted, apologized, and showered her with love. When the “new car smell,” of the marriage wore off again, my eyes wondered again. I would flirt at convenience stores, engage in internet chat rooms, and utilize phone chat services that are advertised on the late night televisions. This was a cycle.
Before I reveal the main reason that may bring some relief to your self-worth, let me give you the excuses that I used to justify my promiscuity. “I just have a high sex drive.” “She’s cheating on me too.”
“Our marriage is boring.”
“I was lonely” (buy a dog); and “I’m just not happy.”
That is a lot of external blame with no accountability. However, I was the one who chose to sleep around. It sure as heck was not my fault that I could not control my urges. Even when we attended couples’ counseling, I would put the blame back on her.
Does any of this sound familiar? It was not her fault one bit. It was mine. My own insecurities and low self-esteem was the root of the cheating. I felt that the more women who found me attractive, and would have sex with me, then I was alright. I did love my wife, apparently not myself. There was this void, a dark hole in my male ego, and I was filling that hole externally.
Physical union was the answer to my problems. The individual has to realize that the void has to be filled internally: within himself. While this reason does not justify the behavior, it may shed light on what is going on. If you feel that you are not pretty enough, inadequate, lousy in bed, or have been traded up, you are wrong. It is not you. It is the guy’s issue and it may be time to move on with your life. You will not fix him. He has to fix himself.
Communication is important in every relationship, but that is a whole other essay to come. But, you want to know what to do? My wife’s sister once said, “Once a cheater always a cheater.” I disputed that. I called her names, and loathed her for that accusation because it stung. Nevertheless, she is right. At least up to a point.
Your spouse, boyfriend, significant other, etc., needs to be confident with himself, his appearance, his financial status, and with his internal happiness before you are going to have a monogamous relationship.
Ladies, not all men are pigs and we can learn from our grievous errors in thinking. While, I was on my paramedic clinical rotations at a fire station, the EMT-P that was my mentor made an astute observation outside of my medical skills. The clinical involved staying at the firehouse for the whole 24-hour shift and responding to the medical emergencies.
After the warming up period, the crew either likes you, or they do not. Since, I was a firefighter in a nearby city, I already knew the norms, and unwritten rules, of firehouse living. I had been on my cell phone during the shift and was bragging about the girl I was having an affair with. That was after talking about my wife and kids.
Later that evening, my mentor took me aside and I thought this was going to be a critique of my performance during our medical responses. It was something more visceral than that.
He told me that when he cheated on his wife, “it was the worst thing,” that he had ever done in his life and that he “was lucky to still be married.”
This firefighter/paramedic was around my age, attractive, and could probably get any girl that he wanted, but he showed genuine remorse for his infidelity? In a masculine profession, I only took it that he was, “soft.”
It did not register in my naive mind that his advice was a serious matter. Looking back, I was ignorant to the heart rendering the life skill my mentor was trying to share. Even cheating in the movies repulses me. Actually, it hurts because it is what I did and thought was okay. In my opinion, it is wrong how cheating is normalized, glamorized, and accepted in movies, sit-coms, and reality TV shows.
These are actors that aren’t really hurt and their family will not be destroyed. We become anesthetized to the act of cheating as it becomes a norm in our society. The consequences of infidelity are not portrayed well enough to be a tool in its prevention.
I am a 48 year old male with a history of cheating. The big question that you may be wondering: Will I cheat again? I can confidently answer no. I will never do that to another woman. Why? I have discovered who I am, found my sense of purpose, and filled that void with internal happiness and organic confidence.
I had to discover, on my own, why I made those horrible choices and to stop blaming my spouse. Moreover, this also goes with guilt, shame and empathy for those who I have hurt. This essay is part of my path towards moral restitution.
The most important message to take from this is for those who have been hurt by a cheater- it was not your fault.