by Mesro Coles-El, San Quentin State Prison, San Quentin, CA
“You don’t have to become something you’re not to be better than you were. A person doesn’t have to change who he is to become better.” -Sidney Poitier
I admit that I did not know how true this quote was until I got myself locked up. See, I spent a lot of time trying to fit in with people I discovered did not care about me at all. Only my closest friends told me that it was okay to be by myself, but I kept on trying to fit in with toxic people, thinking these toxic people somehow made me better. This is because I thought my reputation was my character and at the time, my reputation was destructive.
During my incarceration, I have had to explore every aspect of my character. I have come to realize that the only way to get better is to improve myself, not to be what someone thinks I should be. I had to learn to stop looking at myself through the eyes of people who only wanted to misuse and abuse me. I had to find a way to stop hating the reflection I saw in the mirror.
Art was the way, still is. My art has always been a part of me, always been the bulk of me. My entire character revolves around art, from my lyricism to my graffiti art to my writing about super heroes and other strange tales. What I am not is a heartless jerk bent on his own destruction.
My art led me to teaching as well. I will teach creative writing someday. Perhaps, graffiti art, too. So instead of living up to the expectations of others, I have decided to live up to my own expectations of myself.
After a five year denial at the board, I realized that in order to be truly rehabilitated, I have to have a reputation that matches my character. This means that I need to be reputed to do all the aspects of my character. The more I live up to my expectations of myself, the greater the change I will make in myself and the less likely I’ll become someone else.