by Richard Zamora, Centinela State Prison in Imperial, CA
Hi, my name is Richard Zamora and I’m a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I’m proud to say that I’ve been sober for three and a half wonderful years. Please allow me a minute of your time to share with you my experience with drugs and alcohol.
I used drugs and drank alcohol for the same reasons a lot of others did. The main reason being I was numbing the pain I had been feeling for so many years. Growing up I felt like no one loved me, cared for me or wanted me. I was neglected by drug-addicted and alcoholic parents, siblings, and family members. It wasn’t enough that I had already been sexually molested as a young child. This is a secret I never shared with anyone, not even my mother or father. They went to their graves never knowing this about me.
As I started to get older in age I often wondered if that was the reason why they didn’t love me. I would wonder, how come my family didn’t love me? Was something wrong with me? I was confused as to what it was and didn’t know how to deal with it.
It wasn’t long before my thoughts and feelings consumed me and turned into hurt and anger. I found myself acting out negatively to get their attention but that didn’t work. I figured they didn’t care. If they don’t care I don’t care is what I came to believe and think.
Although I was in pain I put on a brave face because I didn’t want them to see me hurting. I bottled up all my feelings and let them fester. I didn’t know what to do and I certainly didn’t know how to cope with everything I was going through.
By this time I was eleven years old when my father passed away due to a heroin drug overdose. It was said that my dad’s friends had purposefully killed him by drug overdosing him. At the time, I was sad that my dad had died but I was more hurt and angry with him for never being there for me. Regardless of anything I still loved my dad.
Anyhow, although I had already been exposed to drugs, and alcohol my Aunt Michelle introduced me to something that made me feel good. I was twelve when I first experienced weed and alcohol. Actually, my first experience with drugs and alcohol stemmed from my Aunt Michelle peer pressuring me.
Soon, I didn’t need to be pressured to drink or smoke weed. I wanted to get high with this newfound numbing agent I was good. I didn’t care if anyone loved me because all my pain disappeared, so I thought.
I started hanging out with the troubled kids at school and in my neighborhood and joined a gang at the young age of twelve. I felt a sense of belonging and acceptance when I hung with these kids so I did everything they did including drinking and getting high. Soon I was in and out of the Juvenile System for drugs, car thefts, and other anti-social behavior.
At the age of fifteen, I was shot in a drive-by shooting. This was very traumatic for me and also contributed to my criminality.
On September 27th, 1994 while incarcerated on a very serious crime, I learned of my dear mother’s passing. I had just turned twenty years of age a few days prior. I remember cursing God for such a wonderful birthday present. I fell even deeper into drugs and drinking pruno.
With this, I went for heavier drugs (cocaine and methamphetamines). My world was flipped totally upside down. My pain got worse and my substance abuse got even more worse. I didn’t even want to be alive so I used some more. My pain wouldn’t go away!
1997 I was paroled and nothing changed only that my ”Hoobie” (my mom) wasn’t there to greet her baby. She was gone. I had no one.
Did I mention that the last time I seen my mother she was in her casket? The California Youth Authority (CYA) allowed me to go say goodbye to my mother in shackles and under heavy escort. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I was given fifteen minutes to spend with my mother. When my time was up they hauled me away and all I could do was holler, ”Mom!” ”Hoobie!” This was a pain like no other.
1998, I came back to prison with a twenty-five (25) to Life sentence and my substance abuse continued for the next nineteen years. I even began to use heroin.
June 12th, 2017 was the last time I used any substance and I’ve been clean ever since.
I now know that drugs and alcohol is not the answer to life’s struggles. It only compounds them and makes them worse. I will face any struggles I may have sober and with God and my support network at my side, it feels good to be clean and sober. I’ve never been happier.
It wasn’t easy but I have the good Lord on my side. Eventually, God decided it was time for me to get my life together and start working on getting home to my family. Everything I do is done for my sister, Crystal Marie. Like me, she has gone through so much but never once has she left my side even when I was at my very worse. I love her with all my heart. God willing I will make it home to her soon.
Thank you for allowing me to share a little about myself and my experience with substance abuse. Your time is highly appreciated. God Bless.