by William Curl, Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, CA
Hey what’s up with the people?! Hope my last installment left y’all inspired, enlightened, and a little closer to establishing inner peace. Life’s been the way it’s always been for me here waiting on some change to happen. I mean I’ve accomplished the internal insight that’s helped me get familiar with myself, but as we all know, the true test is in our response to external forces constantly testing who we say we are-are not.
This level two is an ugly testing ground that managed to fine tune my character beautifully. Have you ever tried to live with somebody and it feels like y’all dancing to different genres of music. Imagine one person in a slow intimate two step hearing Anita Baker and the other person break dancing. That covers a wide spectrum of disconnections.
That’s the environment here. A minimum security yard wit no gun coverage. For the first time in decades I face no physical threat of blade-bullet. I existed under that fear for twenty-four years. External hardship has become second nature. I’ve been adjusting to struggle since my body was big enough to exert the effort to chew-ingest table food. It’s the inner struggle that’s been throwing me out of focus. That’s what this self-development journey is all about. Making sense of that internal external struggle creating balance and purpose between ‘em.
A couple of years ago CDCR California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation finally allowed LWOP’s to take vocational trades. For decades they attitude was why educate somebody with employable skills who’s condemned to die in a cage? That’s literally what life without parole meant twenty years ago. Not only was I assigned to a trade I’ve gotten half way through, the training is to be a a H.V.A.C. technician (Heating Ventilation, Air conditioning).
First COVID showed up and over a year went by with no class. Now, two weeks ago my supervisor got into a real bad car accident. I’ve been waiting for decades to be allowed to take vocational trade and now obstacles keep popping up. One of the main principles I’ve learned in this self-development journey is not to squander opportunities and to stay focused if those opportunities are hindered by circumstances outside our control.
I mean right now at those young ages think of the good people-opportunities you’ve ran off on because of that dysfunctional thinking behavior. Look at those that stayed. Now it’s about realizing who to apologize to and who to deeply appreciate. My supervisor’s accident kind of knocked the wind out of me. Not only have I been studying for four-six hours six days a week, I finally found something I wanted to do for a career.
Going to class, I must say even though I’m against animal human violence, killed two birds with one very well placed stone. I was able to study in an environment of like-minded people and get away from the buffoonery in this building for seven hours every other day. This environment has constantly tested who I claim to no longer be. The most difficult part of prison for me now, as a pro social thinking adult is being a changed person in an unchanging environment.
The threat today is focused on my emotional mental stability. Now, the torture part of Life Without Parole sets in. I’m not the same person at forty-five that I was at eighteen. When I think about coming up on my 28th year here, I’m constantly reminded that I’ve been in a cage longer than I was on the streets.
I’m constantly wondering if I’ll be forgotten. If I’ll ever accomplish my goals or if today will be the day when tomorrow no longer matters. Please don’t misunderstand. I deserved nothing more than the firing squad for the blatant, very callous disregard I had for the life of other human being in my youth. Although I no longer, think like that immature eighteen year old I’m still struggling to shake the influence those traumatic years still have over my commitment to change.
It’s the ultimate cage event between who I was and who I’m constantly striving to be. There is absolutely no change without struggle. Those who believe it is what I want the easy way out and well, they’ve lulled themselves into a fantasy, wrapped in a cream, dipped in a fairytale. On top of all that I just found out a fly female I’ve been corresponding with for about a year and half has scheduling issues preventing her from continuing in us getting to know each other. Yep, to keep it raw and uncut I been in a foul mood lately.