by Efren Bullard, Ironwood State Prison in Blythe, CA
I write because it’s very important that I do my best to expose the violence that so many are comfortable with. Not only did I kill two people, I took away a son, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, grandchild, father and friend to so many, the moment I decided to pull the trigger.
I change so many lives and I understand that I violated the trust of so many people that I can never say sorry enough to the family of my victims or the victims I robbed. I can’t imagine what a mother must feel when the phone rings and a voice on the other side says to her, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your child has been murdered.”
As I was doing a draft of this letter, I couldn’t help but think about my own mother and how she would feel if she received that call about one of her six children. Most dudes in prison will never tell you the real truth about their feelings because there’s a real stigma around boys/men who cry.
I cried and I’m okay with telling you that. It took me years to understand the fact that I killed two men, and robbed so many more for their hard earned money, trust dignity, and their overall loved for the outdoors, because of that fear of being robbed again.
I always knew that I killed two men but, to understand it is another thing. You first have to understand what murder is. Murder: unlawful premeditate killing of a human being by another. To put this in plain English murder means, “I pulled out a gun and shot two men without so much of a thought about human life and how precious life is.”
This was the actions of a very ignorant, stupid, dumb, irresponsible, selfish and reckless individual. That individual is me. Efren Bullard. Not only did I kill two people but I killed these two men on different dates. If I weren’t caught who’s to say that I wouldn’t have killed more people?
I went on to rob more people even though I had shot and killed these two human beings. If you would have looked up the word ignorance in the dictionary, I’m sure my photo would have been there. I am deeply sorry and very ashamed at how I acted in 1993. I am sorry and ashamed at how I conducted myself in prison too.
Today I’m happy to say that, I know what ignorance looks like and I do not represent that look anymore. I don’t promote violence anymore. My short term and long term goals are to help kids stay away from violence and gangs. I do not support the robbing and killing of our fellow human beings.
The moment I understood how many people I hurt and how much pain I caused, I could never repeat my actions again. I really hope that my story and my personal change/growth, will help someone think about violence and the ripple effect that it has on the community and society as a whole.
Violence hurts everyone around us and it damages all people. I hope every reader learns something from my words. Each one, teach one.