by Jesse Ayers, San Quentin State Prison, CA
I am 42 years old, my birthday is May 24th, I was first arrested at the age of six years old. I didn’t go inside Juvenile Hall until I was fourteen. Between 6-14 I was in police stations, probation courts, community service, “scared straight” program where we took a tour of Corcoran State Prison (back in 1990). My dad had been to prison, my Uncle was on B-yard in Corcoran, during my “tour” to scare me straight. There was no “tactic” to trick me into being a “good kid.” No one could fool me into following rules, especially when everything I was seeing and being taught, told me that breaking rules, was cool.
Between 15-25 I was in and out of CYA (California Youth Authority). Juvenile Hall was “small time.” In Juvie, we used to eat fried foods, play volleyball and softball with the girls in the hall. You could have a girlfriend and kiss her if the counselors weren’t looking. Juvenile Hall was boring but it had a “close to home” feeling.
When they sent me to CYA I was in a whole other world! They sent me to Sacramento to a “Reception Center.” We were issued jeans and white t-shirts, no more blue jump suits.
The California Youth Authority was known as “Gladiator School.” You could do all the smashing you wanted to. It seemed like bad behavior was expected and respected. I tried to stay out of trouble but no one respected that. The old school Raiders mentality was “Might makes right,” and CYA was no different. I didn’t get respect until I beat up my celly. Bad thing was, I got beat up by some grown up counselors, all because I “flooded” my cell by plugging the toilet on purpose.
Prison is a totally different place. Acting “crazy” is looked down on. People appreciate a “professional attitude.” If you act out, get crazy, or flash, too much, people tell on you. They “drop kites,” informing the police (guards that you are a danger).
Inmates are worse “police” than the guards are! Your own people (homies) will kill you if you “get out of line.” You have no choice but to get an education, exercise, and stay out of the way or they will put you to work, selling drugs, enforcing prison politics, or putting a knife in your butt (to hold) in case of a riot.
Trust me, go to school, get a job, put your skills to work out there in the real world. Everything in here sucks! No wifi!!! I got old in here, 25-30 I was in and out of jail, 30-42 I have been in prison. I only have nine months left and I am getting a house on the beach in Los Angeles, CA.
The California Youth Authority no longer exists because it was the most brutal and abusive environment known to any juvenile detention facility in the United States of America. More kids were assaulted, raped, killed, and committed suicide in California than anywhere. I made it out alive, after three failed suicide attempts, trust me I tried to die. Anything, even death would have been better than being in that dungeon!
“Tamarack” was literally a dungeon built in the 1800’s. We were thrown in A/C (the Adjustment Center) without any mattress, blankets, or sheets. The window was open and whistling cold wind would blow in through the caged cell window. Standing there in my boxers and socks, my veins purple, I cried. I knew that if my mom knew where I was and what I was going through, she would die, so I never told her the truth.
I saw kids get abused. I watched kids getting their butt taken. I saw kids getting used to being another guy’s “date” and then volunteering to be a few other guys dates. I saw guys get punked for the food they were issued on their “tray,” pumpkin pie, ice cream, whatever it was. I was beat up by five counselors for “flooding” my cell, by plugging my toilet for fun on New Year’s Eve.
I refused to let people “punk” me, but what happened was, I wouldn’t let anyone be my friend either. Not letting anyone be my friend, made me on edge. I was always on guard all the time.
Being afraid all the time ruined opportunities to be successful. I took that attitude with me to the streets and it ruined my life. Today, I am only successful because of all the friendships I have, and all the people that have helped me along the way are only that way because someone helped them.
Each one teach one. Life is always full of obstacles and gravity, but gravity is equally shared by everyone. No one has more gravity than anyone else. It’s not always easy, but I gotta remain grateful for every little thing, otherwise I get bitter and then I get angry. It’s easy to get mad. It’s more challenging to stay positive so I take the path less taken, I go against the current. That’s how I fly against the wind, keeps me high in the sky.
Ever see an eagle? When they soar, they’re not flapping their wings, they let they oncoming flow of air keep them high in the sky, just like life. Let all the adversity keep you “Soaring, don’t let it “keep you down.”
I use drama, to make comedy. I also use all my painful past to give me the passion I need (when acting). Being an artist, I have to use many talents, all the time, to be successful.