by Samuel “Shady” Cruz, Centinela State Prison in Imperial, CA
My turning point in becoming sober came in 2016 when I almost lost the 2 mothers of my kids one in an accidental overdose with pain pills, the other same thing. I’ll be truthful with you; the first one Josephine is the one who our son Rudy died in 2012 and as mother she has taken it truly hard and I do understand. If it wasn’t for our daughter coming home early and noticing her mom’s breathing was not quite the same as usual and her face blue and not waking up, my daughter’s phone call to 911 and them responding fast, we would’ve lost her too, when she was well she came to visit me and the truth was she was trying to die, she couldn’t handle the depression any longer.
As we sat there at our visit, we were able to let go and grieve like we weren’t able to and it did help and she’s living her life day by day. The depression comes along here and there, but we’ve learned to control it, either by writing each other or talking to our significant other or our kids.
A few months later the queen of my heart took an extra dose of her pain pills and because of my daughter-in-law wanting to ask her a question, she noticed her black and blue and quickly called 911 and saved her life.
So these two overdoses woke me up and made me realize that not only could I have lost these 2 special women in my life, but if I continued using drugs, I too, could overdose and our kids and my family would be left alone and knowing them, they would find a way to blame themselves.
I knew then I had to make a change, because even though I am locked away, my words and my existence still have meaning and still hold “power!” And allows them to feel worthy and wanted and it’s because of them I too feel alive and worthy of a feeling I do not want to lose. I know now what my Aztec queen means when she tells me I am talented and that my words do hold a lot of power behind them that allows her and others to feel good about themselves.
I never believed those words, because I never believed in myself. I found out, how can I respect you when I can’t respect myself? So I‘ve learned to believe in myself and by doing such things, I’ve learned in order to respect myself, I must start making a change in my life that has affected my family, kids and friends in a painful way.
My drug-use, my lies, my manipulation in order to get money from all of them to support my drug use in here. I continue to make changes, baby steps. The biggest change I have made is I have learned that it’s I WHO IS THE PROBLEM!
By knowing this, my change comes from the heart now, not from my ass! It’s a good feeling when I call home or I talk to my kids or my ex’s and they are wanting to talk to me and not making excuses to get off the phone, wondering if I’m gonna bull shhh them and ask them for money and make them stressed out in order to support my drug habit.
Now, without asking they put funds on their phone so I can call whenever I want. They ask me if I need a package or food or money on my account, so I can go to canteen? They have even put money on my account without me asking them. So what I do, is send them the receipt of the items I bought, so they can see, I’m buying food. It’s a good feeling earning all their trust. They keep me busy with drawings they request from me, so I don’t mind.
I will say it continues to be a process. I still have inmates who want drawings, but they want to pay me with drugs or alcohol and I tell them no, I don’t use anymore. When I first stopped using, I would accept the drugs and I’d turn around and sell them, then I talked to myself and came up with,” If I get caught selling drugs not only would I go to the hole, I’ll get written up, lose time and no questions asked, I would for sure get denied on my parole hearing.
So none of this is worth it. I kid you not, I’d probably get a visit from my ex’s and my girl and get my ass whipped, no joke. So if I am to change, there’s no half-stepping. So I just say no! And continue my walk to recovery.
I was talking to a buddy of mine and I was telling him about my recovery, he’s about 24, 26 years old and he is what people would call, “a nerd” only because he’s smart doesn’t use drugs, very respectful and kind hearted. He’s easy going and easy to approach and is a sports guy, never been into a gang etc. no tattoos. So us together you would think I was bullying him, way out of place… So for me to even be talking to him and consider him a friend of mine shows how far I have come in my recovery.
I make my own choices now and don’t care what others may think or talk about me. I’m secure with myself now. So I was telling him how today I was offered some dope from an old associate of mine, for free, and how I turned it down and didn’t think twice about it. But the associate of mine thought I was joking and asked another associate that was next to us. “Hey what’s up with Shady. He doesn’t want any.”
Ole boy told him. “He’s not joking. He doesn’t use anymore. That’s not him anymore.”
He just apologized and walked away.
I tell my buddy, “it’s been a hard walk, but if felt good, not to hesitate and mean it.”
What felt better was when my buddy said, “I’m proud of you Shady, keep it up bro.” That coming from an inmate and meaning it. Doesn’t happen. So I knew then, not only do I have a true buddy (FRIEND). That I am making the right choices in life and my recovery.
It’s not an easy walk. There’s so much pain and so much loneliness when one wants to change. We all fear the unknown but I believe if I’ve been able to survive being shot at, being stabbed, over-doses, the loss of my family, kids, and my true Aztec queen friend, and the loss of myself.
That my life is worth seeing what the rest of my future holds. If you have lived a life like I have, then you and I know, every excuse we use not to change. Is to hide our painful past, but in order to change we must stop making excuses and face our pain.
Yeah I know, men don’t cry. Men have no feelings, only punks and weak men or women. Guess what? You’re wrong! I’ve been in prison 35 years out of my 49 years of living. I’ve seen death in front of me. I’ve been shot, I’ve been stabbed, I’ve hurt a lot of people in here and not one deserved it. The respect I got, was out of fear, not because I was liked or I deserved it, fake respect! You want to change, it all starts with yourself. It aint’ easy, but if you lived my life, which none If you have, then I’m here to tell you…. I believe in you because I AM YOU.
Do not keep making excuses. Find yourself now and don’t wait 40 yers later like I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I found myself because now when I say “I love you,” I say it to myself and I mean it! It’s a feeling I will not give back. Trust me, you want to be crazy? Be crazy in changing your life. If I can do it you can do it as well. All it takes is to stop making excuses and believing in yourself.
You want a true friend? The best one is yourself! If you want it, go for it! Your true homies are the ones who will understand and who will encourage you to keep moving in that positive walk. Do this for yourself, and you will see the ones you have lost because it’s your crazy life, will return with open arms and wanting to help you.
I’m living it, so I know. Well, I have shared a little. You’re welcome to print what you see fits. Thank you for hearing me out.