by Efren Bullard Prison Yard in Centinela State Prison
I found that quote and thought it would be nice to share it with some people who could really use something different in their lives.
We all have said, “I wish I could go back and do this or that, or relive my life?” Time and life doesn’t work like that. We can never go back and change what has been done. So, when you make the choice to rob someone what you are doing is forever changing that person’s life and your life forever. When you make the choice to sell drugs, you are changing someone’s life forever. When you kill someone you have forever removed someone from this life and they can never get their life back just like you can’t go back and change what you did when you did it.
We all have the choice to do right or wrong. I made the choice to do wrong in this life and now I regret it. Me regretting what I did still won’t bring two people back. now, I live with that choice every day. The choice I live with is this.
One night in 1993, me and my homeboys went out to rob some people and without thinking I shot a guy, twenty-three times because I felt like I had the right to do as I please. A week later the same thing happened. We went out to rob some people and I shot a guy one time and killed him.
Now, I should have known better because, I was shot before and I’ve seen a lot of my friends killed right in front of me. The night I was shot my homeboy was in the driver seat and he was shot in the head. I don’t have to tell you that he didn’t make it. You should already know that because he was shot in the head. I was hit in the foot. I was fourteen years old.
A couple of weeks later, my homeboy, Darnell, was in the room playing with a gun and tossed it on the bed and the gun hit the floor and went off. It hit him in the head and killed him on the spot? Darnell was 12 years old. I could go on about all the murders I’ve seen but, that would take too long.
Even though Darnell was 12, he made the choice to play with a gun. That choice cost him his life. I made the choice to rob someone and that choice caused two people to lose their lives. I know in my heart that I wish I could go back and relive the past but I also know that it’s impossible to go back.
So, what I do now is, make better choices today so that I never kill someone else. I read books that are positive and helpful to me. I was never taught how to be a man. Once the streets got me, I was taught that, we had to solve all of our problems with a gun. I was taught that the dudes from the other side should be killed just because they live on the other side.
I did all these things because someone else told me that it was the right thing to do. That’s a follower. I made the choice to follow someone else’s words instead of thinking for myself. I make better choices now because I can think for myself.
“Can you think for yourself?”
If you can, then start making better choices. I’d be damned if I let someone tell me to kill you and I do it. Your life is just as important as mine. If you continue to make poor choices, I promise you this: They are going to do away with you for the rest of your life or someone is going to pull a gun on you and remove you from this earth.
When I got to prison, I was angry! I hated everybody! Even myself! I hated the fact that I got caught! I didn’t care about the victims of my crimes. Screw them. It was about me. It took years for me to realize what happened. I had killed two people. I took them away from their family! I put them in the ground forever! I made it so that they could never have children! Look at this part. When I killed the two human beings, what I did is this: I killed millions of people. I know, you are wondering, “How did he kill millions of people?”
Trip, these two men could have children for hundreds of years to come! I wiped that part of history out with one ignorant choice. Can you see it now? I killed millions of people. Everything you do in life is all about choices. Trip off of this. If you made the choice to educate yourself starting today you could change the course of history.
How? You could get your life on the right track. Get yourself out of jail and never return as an inmate. But you need to return to help the next generation of people who make one bad choice after another until someone comes along and tells them how they changed their life.
Your life and your story means something. There has been nights when I was sitting in my cell in Pelican Bay SHU hole with tears in my eyes due to the way my life turned out. None of us wants to be in jail. We all miss our family. I would never want anyone to kill anyone in my family. I know what I did. I don’t need to be reminded that I’m a killer. I was selfish. I was ignorant! I was stupid! It don’t make me cool to kill someone.
Look, one day I’m going to die and I want to be remembered for something good. This is why I do my best to tell you something positive so that you can pass it along to the next generation. We all matter!
One day in the future, I plan to get out of prison and my goal is to help kids stay out of jail. I’m going to do my best to give back to The Beat Within. This is no lie. We all be willing to help the next generation succeed. I only say these things to you because I care about your life. I also care about the victims’ lives you will leave behind if you don’t make better choices. “Each one teach one.”
I leave you with this: It took me to kill two people just to learn the value of life. If that don’t make you think then you are a lost cause. Trust me I know in my heart you all have the ability to think and that makes you worthy and not a lost cause. Peace.