by Dortell Williams, California State Prison, Los Angeles County in Lancaster, CA
I supposed that it is rare for a man cured of toxic masculinity to admit that he was the domestic enemy of the house. Especially when domestic violence is all too common in today’s society, and yet now I speak out against it.
I wish I could say that I evolved to a place where I was mature enough to just get it without having ever harmed a soul. But regretfully, I didn’t fully understand until after I had committed grave harm, falling as low as one can go. It was at my lowest that I realized I needed to change my ways. Reading books, taking courses, and conducting research to eventually co-author the book Biblical Solutions For Domestic Violence by The Lancaster 12, is what enabled me to speak competently against domestic violence.
The facts are that both men and women abuse their partners, though women are disproportionately affected. The perpetrators are more often than not survivors of domestic violence themselves. Many assaults of women are committed by someone they know, and on average 24 women experience intimate partner violence…per minute! And the number of work place violent incidents from past or current intimate partners averages a devastating annual of 18,700. The problem is so profound, 1 in 4 US women are subject to intimate sexual violence.
For the most part, domestic violence is a learned behavior. And, of course, we know that hurt people tend to hurt others. So during the month of April, which is officially sexual violence awareness month, I want to emphasize the proliferation of violence we are committing against one another, and particularly against women. Since domestic violence is a learned behavior, it is often generational.
Within the household, the cycle of domestic violence is predictable in this fashion: First is the honeymoon phase where everything is lovey-dovey. Then comes the tension phase, perhaps the guy expects the woman to be able to read his mind and know what he wants without his verbalizing it, or maybe he likes blaming the women for all of his shortcomings. What I’ve learned in classes is that there is a natural tension in the first two years of co-habitation.
This is the period where the couple subtly defines how to divide the domestic tasks, they learn who is better at what responsibilities and boundaries are set. In a normal relationship, a partnership is developed and tasks are shared. No one is “The Boss” dominating the other, but a cooperation is created through various forms of civil communication.
However, in situations where hostility or dominance becomes the norm, tension escalates into violence. Violence can range from insults, to belittling, to pushing and shoving, to destroying personal property, to actual physical assault. This is where many men are in denial. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging to the emotional center as physical abuse, thus it is domestic violence. Like many men, I had no idea. Phase four is the make-up period. The guy pleads for forgiveness, and profusely apologizes. Trauma-bonding occurs (where the couple enables one another in the toxicity) and the honeymoon phase begins the new cycle, until someone, usually the woman, is seriously injured, if not worse.
As a man, I found that the reading and classes on domestic violence intriguing because men don’t have to be taught the patterns of abuse before we commit to them. We just naturally seem to know and consistency play them out. Abusive personality traits tend to be the jealous, possessive, angry and or, controlling types. Triggers for violence tend to be disputes over money, drugs, sex, infidelity – real or imagined – and the children.
The courses I’ve taken taught me the variety of valid reasons why women stay in such relationships. I’ve learned to never ask why, and to never judge, but to simply ask what I can do and believe, validate the stories. My research has also reinforced the simple notion that the objectification of anyone is not cool. In fact, to see women as anything other than human being who deserve respect is wrong. That is where the humanity begins, with respect.
So to prevent domestic violence, and all its precursors, I don’t laugh at the gender demeaning jokes about women. When foul-mouthed guys in the locker room refer to women in ways that are not becoming, I remind them, in front of everyone else, that our mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts are all women. And as such, we should respect other people’s mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts. If we’re going to be intolerant of anything, it should be the disrespect of the gender that gave us all life.
My mission is to stop this pervasive problem, will you join me?