by Shasta, San Mateo
Anger to me is defined as a fire in my mind that is fueled by negative thoughts. It starts off small but grows quickly into more vicious anger. Most of my anger used to come from my previous drug use. I didn’t see it as a problem until after I stopped using.
If you’re curious on what my drug of choice was, it was Xanax. It affects your mind at such a rapid pace that you don’t recognize the problems it causes until it’s too late. It definitely affected my mood and caused me to lash out in anger more easily, which I hated the most about it.
I’ve never had anger passed down to me from family members, it’s always from my own doing. I honestly couldn’t control it for a long period of time and all it took to gain the control back again was to go sober. I used to get angry too easily. It usually occurred when talking to my parents. Anytime my parents would talk to me about stuff I didn’t want to hear, I would repeatedly tell them to leave me alone. When they wouldn’t leave me alone, I would explode in an outburst of rage which usually ended up with me leaving my house to calm down.
My boys always got my back and support me when I get stressed out in these types of situations. Usually when I wanted to calm down, I’d just pop a Xanax and wait for it to kick in but what I didn’t realize is that I was slowly starting a vicious cycle of addiction. I realized sooner than later that using Xanax to cope with my anger only brought me temporary relief and made my angry mood swings worse.
I found different ways to cope though. When I would leave the house after an intense argument with my parents, I would just listen to music and take a long walk by the ocean to clear my head. It feels good listening to your favorite songs and hearing waves crash on the beach shore at the same time, it’s peaceful.
That’s something anybody can do. Another way I like to ease my stress is through street art like graffiti. I’d like grabbing a spray can and just let my mind do the work. It’s a great distraction from all the negative thoughts that caused my anger.
I feel that if I want to overcome my anger, I need to stop doing Xanax altogether. That’s my number one goal when I get released because I haven’t felt happier or healthier than I do now that I’m sober in jail.