Welcome back friends to another powerful double issue, 26.11/12, of The Beat Within. We are incredibly honored to feature the talents of so many thoughtful writers and teachers – inside and out – who courageously share their stories and art with our ever-growing community. We are learning so much from you all. We can’t thank you enough for embracing The Beat Within. This week we have our beloved friend and long -time colleague OT, back to share his thoughts in the editorial section of our magazine. We always know, OT has plenty to share and offer, so without further ado….
Good week to all you readers and writers that contribute to The Beat Within publication. This is the one and only OT, coming at you live from Managua, Nicaragua. I want to go ahead and send you all a warm embrace no matter where you’re at, as I want you to feel the love, I have for each and every single one of you.
First, I’ve been privileged and honored to be able to take part in these group writing meetings on a monthly basis that includes Dave Inocencio, Fernando Murillo, Si Dang, Marcus Blevins, Jason Samuel, Kathleen Lingo, Mikayla, Ellie, Madison and sorry to all the other younger folks, but I do forget the names from Urban High School, Led by the ever aspirational, Courtney Rein.
These group meetings have been incredibly sincere with everyone expressing their thoughts and emotions and have been great for me as well to interact with folks from not only our writing community, but communities from all over the Bay Area (mainly Frisco). It has been astonishing to hear the young folks express their desire to continue to learn on how they can make a difference in their communities, bringing much needed change to our world.
I’ve been impressed with how open and truthful everyone has been with their contributions. Everyone has been very open with their thoughts and emotions. I feel like I haven’t been as truthful as some of the other contributors and since I might not make it to this next class because the timing doesn’t work, I’m gonna take this opportunity to spill a little bit of my truths.
This topic really struck a chord with me and there is no way, no how, I would ever be able to express my truth in the 5-7 minutes that we each get in the class. That’s why I’ve decided to write it down. The multimillion-dollar question of the week is “What is in your heart that you’re reluctant to say? What are you reluctant to open up about? What are you not saying, because of fear?”
Now, it wasn’t just this topic that inspired me to write down my emotions. Something struck with me when in our last meeting, when we were asked who would we pick to invite for dinner, dead or alive? I remember many people picked relatives that have passed away or haven’t seen for a very long time. Jason picked 2Pac, which I wanted to pick as well, but my goofy ass picked Hitler. I still remember Marcus Blevin’s face Crunch up when I said that (looked like ate sour lemon-head). It’s kind of funny now that I think about it. I was actually sincere about my decision just because I felt like maybe I would be able to convince a horrible person to not be so evil.
Anyways, back to the subject at hand. I remember vividly, Fernando saying he would like to have dinner with the whole group. I also remember making a reply, (it was supposed to be a joke), about why we don’t just bring some food to our next meeting, so we could have dinner together. I had completely forgotten at the time how everyone was still ordered indoors because of the pandemic, because in my country things have been open for a while. And even though the pandemic hit us hard also, we had already moved passed the stage of closing everything down.
I forget that many of you are still working from home and have to keep social distancing. Even though things are open here, I still wear my mask at all times, and bring my alcohol spray-bottle everywhere I go, if I do go out.
Social distancing. Now, that’s a funny word. I feel like the last 7 years that I have been here in Nicaragua I’ve already been practicing social distancing with all of my loved ones. While everyone else is getting used to these programs like Zoom and doing these conference calls, for me, I’ve been doing this for the past seven years communicating with my: twin daughters, my sisters, my nieces, nephews, my aunts, uncles, friends, my friends, including (Dave) through FaceTime, long-distance calls and SKYPE.
So as Fernando mentioned having dinner with everyone in the group, I came to the realization that, as soon as you guys get off “lock-down” and are allowed to socialize back into society, Fernando’s wish may actually come true. Which would also be a personal wish of mine (and honor for me as well) except, I will still be here in Nicaragua. Still far away, forced to STILL practice social distancing as a punishment for crimes I committed back in 2008.
So, what am I reluctant to say because of fear? I guess I fear is that I would never make it back to the community where I was raised. I’m afraid that I’m stuck here in this country where I feel, alienated and I feel like I don’t belong.
Today, is my Mother’s Birthday. I sent her a text, and if I’m lucky we’ll have a video call later. My fear is I will never be able to show up at my mother’s house on her birthday again, give her some flowers, or a cake, and give her a simple hug and kiss. I fear the same for my aunts and uncles. I fear I will never be able to attend a family function again. I fear I won’t get the chance to hang out with my daughters again. I fear that I won’t ever be able to see the Warriors play basketball at the New Chase Center, or go the Giant’s Stadium, or go to Six Flags and get on the rollercoasters.
My fear is that my family members and friends, will pass away and I won’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I’ve been reluctant to share these emotions for the bare fact that saying them might speak my very own fears into existence.
I’m reluctant to say how maybe this special hour that I look forward to every single month with these great group of people is something that I look forward more than they can ever imagine. Being a part of this group helps me feel like, I’m a part of my community again. Like, I’m back when where I belong in the community I was raised in(at least for just an hour), which is some place where my heart and soul remain. Because even though I have my freedom, I’m expelled to a strange place, thousands and thousands of miles away, to a place I’m forced to call home.
Now even, though I have been reluctant to say these things and state my fears that doesn’t mean that my thoughts always dwell within the caves of negativity inside my brain. These fears, at times can get me depressed, but they also provide the food to nourish my determination to come out on top and stronger.
Reading and hearing the stories of Si Dang, Fernando, Marcus B., and the countless young brave writers that share with our writing community called The Beat Within, you provide me inspiration and hope. My heart was reluctant to write down my fears. I instead, chose to close the window to my soul so others wouldn’t perceive me as weak.
But as I write down my fears, it only makes me realize how my fears help me to stay focused on my goals, and drive me to better myself each and every day. So, for those of you that are reading this right now, don’t be afraid to be afraid. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and ask for help. Don’t be afraid to write down your fears because once you know exactly what your fears are, you can formulate a game plan to confront them and be successful at doing it.
Fears. We all have them. We all don’t want them. But we all gotta deal with them. Use them to motivate you to accomplish your goals and dreams, one day at a time. Much love to all of you ladies and gentlemen. Stay strong and positive!
-OT!
We love you OT. We hope and pray the day will come that you can return home, to your beloved community, so you can embrace the loves of your life and do the things you miss very much. We can’t thank you enough for sharing your heartfelt truths with us readers. We too miss you ol’ friend.
All right, reader, sending you our good thoughts, stay in touch, stay writing and do your part to help beat this COVID pandemic. Wear your mask, wash your hands and social distance! We have this!! Until the next issue, love and respect, always…