by Yoshua, San Mateo
I’m going to write about the “Afraid of Chance” topic we had in The Beat Within. Answering the question about looking at my life in the big picture or the little things in life that need work. I honestly looked at it in the big picture, but I don’t think there are any little or big things that need changing in my life. At least I see it that way. Maybe there are other people in my life that don’t.
To answer the question on why I’m afraid to change is, well actually, I don’t think the word is that I’m afraid to. I sometimes think if I’m afraid to change when I actually think about it. It’s just that I don’t want to, it’s more because I’m afraid. I don’t want to because of who I am and what I always wanted to be. I’m still not the person I want to be, I’m trying to. Once I achieve it, I wonder how old I’m going to be. When I choose, I don’t want to be that person anymore.
What I guess I’m “afraid” of is if I ever change, what people would think of me. I don’t think I would be judged wrongly, but I just want people to think I’m a risk-taker or like a gangster that’s down for any and everything. Something I am hesitant to change are the things I do, how I dress, and the people I’m with. I’m going to start with the things I do.
I’m hesitant to change the things I do because people already know me for the things I do. I don’t want to just someday randomly be a goody goody. I don’t even know what it is to be a goody goody. I’m not saying I’m a bad boy or something but being a goody goody would be to change a lot of things I don’t want to.
The other thing I wouldn’t want to change is how I dress because I actually love the clothes I put on and how I do. I don’t want to change it because I’ve never been the skinny jeans type. I put on collared shirts like my big extra-large shirts. I think they look better than a normal-sized shirt or how some people wear shirts that are tight on them, I could never.
The reason I could never is because I’m fat. I feel hella embarrassed about having my pectorals and stomach be pointing out of my shirt making me look even fatter. So those extra-long shirts really make me feel more comfortable. I mean not skinny, what some people might say about them, is that that they’re baggy or whatever. I don’t see it that way. I like having them sagged too because I think it makes me look good, even though my mom says it looks like I got a diaper on.
One thing that gets me a little hot about having my pants like that is the way an adult or people with families look at me all sideways for dressing the way I do. I must be a bad person or a criminal or something and up to no good. I really press my issue for starring so long like they’re like watching or something. I don’t think they’re bad people, I actually know they aren’t.
For example, my mom thinks they are because of the way they look. If they have tattoos, or if I come home smelling like weed, she’s like oh yup they’re bad. She hasn’t even met my friends that are actually bad. She just decides to judge a book by its cover. Little does she know my friends are some of the nicest and nothing close to law-breaking kids. We just hang out, play video games, eat, watching TV or like a lot of times, do nothing.
By that, I mean sitting in their cars on our phones doing a whole bunch of nothing, trying to figure out what there is to do because there is nothing to do. It’s so boring like you have no idea. Man, something I don’t want to change at all, even when I know it could make my life or my family’s life better.
I would change drinking and smoking for my family, I mean my mom! I don’t have any other family besides her. Substance use is one of the things that hurt her the most. It literally makes her cry and gets her so sad.
I could stop if I wanted to. I know I’m no addict and I know every addict says that. I can literally stop whenever I want to because I’ve done it before. Not because I wanted to, but for probation pee test purposes. Even though I know it could benefit my health better and make my mom feel happier, I just don’t want to stop. I love the way it makes me feel.