by Eddie Grande, Correctional Training Facility, Soledad, CA
Power, how would like to be able to choose your own president? How would you like to be able to choose your own Bills and Laws? Decide who you want seated in office? Who your Governor is, who your Attorney General is? Your Mayor? Police Chief? Head City Prosecutor? How would you like to have a say in what taxes you pay and on what, to have the right to be able to do that is power and a power that is earned by privilege and earned by remaining a productive and positive person.
Freedom, how would you like to be able to go for a walk in the park or out in your front yard just to kick back and relax and enjoy life? Take your woman/man out on the town for a night of romance and fun times? Or take your kids, nephews, nieces out for a day of fun and enjoy all the holidays and every day with family, your kids, loved ones and friends? Making, having and sharing in new fun times and happy memories lasting a life-time? To be able to do this you must want it enough to remain a productive and a positive person out in the free world and for those of you incarcerated, it starts right where you’re at now.
These are the privileges earned when you choose to walk and live on the right side of both life and the law and remain positive no matter what obstacles arise and come your way. Life is rough without a doubt, but I’ve always said, as well, that life is what you make it and each decisions you make helps take you in the right or wrong direction of your future and you alone with that can go up or down. It’s about standing up and being you and not someone that others make you to be or someone you’re trying to be and try your hardest to impress others, but just you being you and feeling what your heart feels knowing you are your own person.
Being a criminal, gangster, gang member and hardhead is nothing more than a front for those of you who have been denied goodness in your life and when you represent these people and lash out through negativity you only deny yourself of your true potential. This is not something you do for your children, partner, family or friends. It’s something you do for reasons only you know and it’s something that needs to change, and it’s something you must do for you for in your accomplishment of your hard-work, it will color and shine on not just you, but on those around you and know that the harder you work and push the more obstacles you will face and no matter what the test is, the more you must continue to stay on course and in time you will begin to lose the taste for that negative life style. It won’t happen over-night but be patient and it’ll happen.
When you see, acknowledge, and understand and feel your strengths that make you who you are, you then know you are a new person ready to be a productive person in life. The decisions you make from here on will not only make a difference to you and yours, but will have a worldly effect. By that I mean for example, you say the election is fixed and that your vote won’t matter so you don’t vote. Dave says the same thing as does Mike, Lisa, Marty and Joe. All those non-voters add up and even though you choose not to vote the one you wanted as your president ends up losing by just six votes. No excuse is justified in passing up on this most valued right that you only get to do once every four years. But you get this most valued right/privilege by earning it and you earn it by being a productive citizen in this life and world. That’s what I mean when I say you and your vote can have a worldly effect and that’s simply one of many examples.
My life of crime began at the young age of seven and now at the age of 57 years young I have nothing to show for it but a life sentence. Now on my 28th year of incarceration and in spite of everything I’ve been through, I remain with faith and hope because of who I am now. I am hopeful of two things that within the next three years or maybe sooner I win back my freedom and that I am accepted into a college program in hopes of earning my AA Degree.
When I do win back my freedom I will be employed in or at a Juvenile Detention Facility so, that I can share of my life past and present and all my experiences both good and bad with all of you in hopes it lights a fire in you to burn with desire for a new way.
I never had a legitimate job in my life and I simply got by through taking, stealing and robbing people and places and taking whatever I wanted and needed. Many times it wasn’t enough and seemed like the easiest way to get and make money, but it came at a big cost, MY FREEDOM. Without really realizing it, I gave up my wife, kids, family and most importantly my freedom because I was so caught up in criminal/gang activity and the so-called glory and fame that came with it in the underworld that nothing else mattered and those that were truly most important to me and my life became less important to the point they became invincible, and I’ve paid the highest price by losing them and the right to win their lives.
If any of you, young and old, think you can say that and not feel it or be hurt by it, I say you’re lying. It hurts, but I know I have to move on and because I’m in a positive mind-set now the hope I have for better things makes it bearable. No one twisted my arm or pressured me into doing and saying the things I did as many people use as an excuse. I alone made those decisions to do and commit the wrong and even though I am a new and changed man now, it will forever haunt me because in the need, I could have chosen right over wrong and I didn’t and in doing so, I have truly hurt the ones I love. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but if you didn’t hurt you wouldn’t be human or have a heart. So if it hurts let it and let be that which causes you do the right thing.
When you can’t, won’t, or refuse to accept responsibility it’s for your mistakes you then take the stance as being above the law and if being incarcerated bothers you none you’re admitting defeat and saying you belong where you are. If that’s the case then it’s your life to live and with that mind-set nothing good or positive will come your way and you’ll be counted as one of many who continue to fill prisons and detention facilities, staying with those you despise and who tell you what to do and not do on daily basis rich, wealthy and employed. Think about that and let it sink in.
Each of you with that criminal mindset and negativity can change your way if you can just be your own person and walk the path that brings you joy, happiness ad success. It’s not a bad thing to want the good things in life earned the right way, but you have to first believe that you can not only want it, but that you are worthy of it, regardless of all the bad and the negative in your past. In your journey, on the road to success you are your maker, keeper and decider, and no one can take that from you.
Be your own leader and prove to yourself you are worthy of the good things in life. You’re gonna need help along the way and never be afraid or too embarrassed to ask for help or guidance, people will eagerly help when and if you just ask. Just don’t hesitate.
I would like to ask one thing of each and every one of you – young, old, new, men and women. Right now take a moment, a few minutes of your time and reflect without blame. “How did you get to this point in your life and why are you where you are now in your life?” Remember, do this without blame or pointing fingers. Leave no stone unturned and let it all consume your shouts and emotions and let it hurt if it must, but feel it, see it, understand it and most importantly change it if it bothers you that much.
Let me add this from experience that some of us have been incarcerated unjustly and it’s a fact that it’s happened too many. This was the case with me and my case all because I refused to lie, but that said I blame no one but myself for the situation I put myself in, for with me it goes back further than that and it’s something I refused to admit and own up to for many, many years. But the man I am now is a person I trust, respect, love and wish my mother and children could know. I am who I am and all can do is move forward from here on and continue on the right path of success. As I move forward I hope I can lighten others and spark a fire to those in need of guidance. Remember when you do or say things to try and impress others you’re not being true to yourself or real and that being the case how can you stand or be proud of the person you are again? Be you and who you want to be in mind, body, spirit, and life and then understand you, knowing right from wrong and build from there.
When I speak of my success now I’m referring to where I was and who I was many years ago. I was a criminal, gang member, drug user, irresponsible, a liar, womanizer, lousy husband, father and friend and my priorities were out of whack. But, I’m sorry to say that it took me being arrested on this case where in reality my past caught up with me and I was eventually convicted and sentenced to 60-years to life. With that, it cost me my freedom and everything of value in my life that had true meaning to my life and world and I alone am to blame. Even though I was wrongly accused and convicted the fact that I was mixed up in that criminal/gang lifestyle put me at risk for incarceration and even death, but I risked it.
Listen up here people and in no way is this a brag or put down to anyone, but back in the days prison was a world in itself like no other and not just stabbings, brutal stabbings, but murder was a regular thing as if it was normal in our everyday life.
My point to this, to all you youngsters and first timers in prison now-a-days is nothing compared to what it was back in the days, and you don’t have a clue to the violence and mayhem we experienced back then and it was a true eye opener. With the caliber of so called gangsters I’ve been witness to over the past two decades most of you wouldn’t have lasted a week and that’s not a put down to anyone but the plain simple truth of it. There was no SNY facilities back then to save or protect you and if you didn’t come right you ended up punked, some type of victim or dead. You didn’t come to prison back then with an attitude and if you did you either clicked up or you died. Fact!
This isn’t a scared straight story made up people, it was reality and it’s what happened on a daily basis. Nowadays when you come to prison CDCR does everything to both protect and play you out of pocket. CDCR doesn’t do enough to help rehabilitate you and they want nothing more than to keep you coming back to keep these prisons filled. Many are not fooled by this. That aside and said now-a-days the people you turn to in prison and choose to run with will eventually turn on you after having used you to do the things they will not and have not done. I tell you this for I’ve seen it and it comes from individuals who have never been able to stand on their own two feet, but people who talk a good game.
CDCR has infested prisons with SNY facilities so much now that I believe there are more SNY prisoners than main-line prisoner and it’s chaotic, comical if you will, because being on a SNY yard is or was supposed to be for those who need a start in life to get away from all the madness and politics. That’s not the case no more, because many individuals now a days thrive and prey on the weak and CDCR is doing next to nothing to get those individuals removed from these yards.
So eventually many of you will end up on one of these SNY facilities and do you really want to go through that and be subjected to that? Something else I’ve always made clear is that coming to a SNY yard doesn’t make you a coward or weak and if you make that decision to come to a SNY yard for the positive reasons then my hats off to those of you who have the heart and guts to do so. You don’t need to spend any time or any more of your time here in prison to waste your life away, instead give yourself more credit and respect yourself enough to avoid this.
Dropping out and/or leaving that gang/criminal life style to the past is not an easy thing to do, but to me and many that I know and respect, it shows character and shows you are a man of your own being. Many-many years ago when I dropped out it wasn’t so I could find an easy way out to get on with my life, I dropped out because of all the chaos I was witness to and I don’t regret it one bit. What it did though little by little as I got on with my life after dropping out I began to change and look at things and the people I interact with by the way I talked, my thoughts, and the way I accepted things and I learned to adjust and compromise.
It’s a give and take world and because nearly all my life I took. I was now giving back without hesitation and it brought me joy to do so. I wish I could have been a better father to my children and been there to share in everything they experienced growing up, but I wasn’t and now my kids, I’ve never met, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. My wife deserved better, but I took her for granted. My family and friends stood by me through thick and thin, but I never really showed them true appreciation. You see it’s a domino effect and in the end it comes back to haunt you.
The hurt and pain I caused others came back to haunt me in the end and it’s not a nice feeling to have to live with. I’ve made peace and have asked for forgiveness and that’s all I can do and as long as I continue to grow and push forward in a positive way then I can live with myself and if those who see me for who I am and want to be a part of my life and allow me to be a part of their lives, then I am thankful for it.
Making amends on both sides can be hard, but it’s doable. Not being able to be there to watch and help your kids grow and be a part of their upbringing is something that should bother you deeply. If they are not what helps to motivate you to grow in a positive way and to do the right thing, then you don’t deserve them in your life or to be a part of your life, especially if your goal is to remain a walking prison time bomb. They deserve better than that and for those of you without kids what about your parents, grandparents, sibling and those have stood by you and supported you? What about the woman/man in your life that stands by you unconditionally? Show them love, but most importantly show them respect by not subjecting them to all your negativity behind you. Remember, communicate.
Now a days having been incarcerated doesn’t prevent you from getting a good job, a good career or even from starting your own business. You’d be surprised at the forgiveness and kindness and willingness people have in their hearts when it comes to giving second chances to those who are serious about positive change and the key to this though is to lose the attitude and be open to new things and people in your life. You have to show you are trustworthy and worthy of a new to those you turn to. Stay focused, stay strong, stay sound, be open and most importantly “BE PATIENT.” If you just take my words to heart and trust in me and open your mind to positive change, the doors to success will open to you and for you endlessly. I promise you.
No matter what you’re never alone in this world and it’s never the end of the world as we sometimes think when things don’t go right or because you don’t have what others have. It’s up to you to seek the resources needed to get you started in a new direction, but keep in mind to not let pride keep you from what you need and as the saying goes, “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” Ask questions and seek guidance without feeling embarrassed or as if you’re imposing or being a burden.
In reading many of your writings I must admit that I’m impressed, more so with those of you who willingly open up and share of your personal experiences. Communication is very meaningful, powerful and personal and in order to understand and be understood it can only be done so through communication. When you communicate with someone never show aggressiveness or disrespect and allow them to understand you in the easiest way possible. Then allow them to respond and show them equal respect by hearing them out. If it’s something you don’t want to hear or like you must still show them the same respect in return.
It’s how things are known, decided and worked out. Rock jawing someone in a loud and disrespectful way will get you nowhere. Showing respect will. Be willing to compromise and be open and you will get things done.
Each of you has a good heart. I can see and feel it by reading your words. Just ask. I can see that many of you really want out and a new start, but please don’t wait until it’s too late to make that decision. Do it now. Do it right and do it before you end up in prison or headed back to prison. It’s never too late my friend but you have to really want it.
Over the years, prison reform has gotten worse and will continue to get worse. Stand your ground and be you, but be real and be right. Good Luck.
Love and respect always,