by Russell
Greetings, Beat family! And what a year! It’s hard to write a piece trying to sum up what a roller coaster 2020 has been, but this trying time has offered me a lot of lessons and put a lot of things in perspective for me.
Let me start by letting you know a little bit about me. My name is Russell and I first met Dave and the rest of The Beat Family in 1996 when I was 16 years old in San Francisco’s Juvenile Hall, YGC. I was in a very difficult time in my life then. I was angry and frustrated and I felt very alone. I was self-destructive and making a lot of bad decisions. But there are always reasons for what people do, so now I try to think of that time, just like I think of 2020, as something to learn from.
When I was getting locked up as a kid, I was doing a lot of things that we read about in the pages of The Beat: getting into fights, doing drugs, drinking, running away from home, doing robberies, and selling drugs. At the time, I didn’t have an explanation for any of that. When I would get arrested or kicked out of school, adults would ask me: why are you acting like this? And I never really had an answer for them. Now when I think about it, I think it had to do with the fact that I was very sad. I had problems with my family at home and I didn’t really feel like I belonged anywhere. In a weird way, when I got in trouble, that was when I felt the most comfortable.
Being locked up was terrible, as you all know, but it started to feel like home. I think I had such a negative image of myself that I felt like maybe that’s where I belonged. I know that’s not true now, but it was hard for me to see that when I was a sad and angry teenager. And I think there’s a lesson there for me that applies to difficult times, like the pandemic and other chaos we were forced to deal with in 2020. In bad times, it’s hard to have perspective. It feels like things are never going to get any better and I still get tempted to give up or feel hopeless. But this year, I turned 40 and having survived a lot of dark times in my life (the death of friends and family members, being broke, hitting bottom with drugs and alcohol), I have realized the importance of keeping things in perspective and trying to be optimistic. I have gotten through this year by focusing on all the blessings I have in my life, and I have a lot to be grateful for.
My life changed dramatically as a result of meeting Dave and becoming a member of The Beat Within family. I was in juvenile hall and group homes for three years and I had no idea what I was going to do when I got out. But writing for The Beat, I found a passion, something I was excited about, so I thought I’d like to be a writer. I came to work for The Beat when I got out, doing workshops in the same juvenile hall where I was locked up. And that gave me some perspective, visiting the same place where I was at my darkest. I also started writing in other publications around this time and getting published, which helped me to see myself as something other than a kid who had been in trouble. I worked as a journalist for years and fought my way through more hard times.
I’ve gone on to do a lot of cool things in my life. I graduated from Columbia University, was on an MTV reality show, got a Guggenheim fellowship, and traveled the world. None of these things seemed possible when I was a kid locked up in juvenile hall. And now I have so much to be thankful for: I live in New York City, I’m earning my master’s degree in creative writing at NYU, I’m engaged to a wonderful, supportive partner, I’m clean and sober, I have a good job helping people who are locked up, and I just got a dog named Tony. Life is good. But I still go through difficult times when I don’t feel good about myself or I think I should give up. And then I have to remind myself of where I came from, all of the difficult times I’ve survived.
It’s an honor to be back in the pages of The Beat. I really have to thank Dave and all of The Beat Within Family for giving me a chance to express myself in my darkest hour and all the support and care they gave me in the years after I got out. I still talk to Dave all the time: about sports, about life, about music. And it’s crazy to think we’ve known each other for 25 years. I always get through tough times by keeping things in perspective. And I’d like to say what’s up to all Beat readers, especially folks who are inside right now, to thank you for contributing to these pages and helping to keep The Beat going. No matter how bad things seem, if you keep some perspective and be good to yourself, it always gets better. So I don’t spend too much time talking about how 2020 was bad. I like to think of it as a reminder that I’ve been through tough times before and I’m a survivor. We all are.
Here’s wishing you all a happy and healthy 2021.