by Floyd D. Collins, San Quentin State Prison
I am humbled to be able to share life lessons and my experience through writing. In my lifetime I have suffered as well as endured rejection. What I’ve found to be very important is how I’ve reacted or responded when rejected. My life of crime is grounded on being rejected. I was a young man when my ex-girlfriend had an affair with a very close friend. I couldn’t comprehend why the two of them would hurt me in such a way.
Back then I had zero coping mechanisms to deal with the pain I felt, nor did I know how to identify or process my feelings. I made a choice that would change the lives of my ex-girlfriend, our young daughter and myself because I felt I wasn’t good enough. I also felt that I wasn’t received by her in a way that made me feel wanted. I felt rejected.
I murdered someone I said I once loved because of not understanding how to process rejection. The feeling of being unwanted and abandoned made me insecure and left feeling worthless. This still was not a reason to do what I did. Through my first 18 years of prison I sought validation through criminal thinking and activity such as using, selling cell phones. I engaged in this type of behavior because I wanted to be accepted by those around me, constantly fearing rejection.
In 2014, I had enough of living a facade. I made the tough choice of learning who I am and why I react the way I do to being rejected. I learned about childhood trauma I had experienced that I never properly adjusted nor processed. Coming to this realization I learned to grow and better deal with any rejection by responding rather than reacting. A response calls for me to think and process my feelings. Today, if I’m rejected I now understand this can and quite possibly will happen.
People don’t have to like me, accept me, give me a job or be my friend. The choice I do own and possess is how I react or respond. A reaction takes no thought, just an action. A response takes thinking, a calming of mind and body. Since I’ve changed my way of thinking I’ve found redemption in my life is much more pleasant, and I’ve found purpose within my incarceration.
I offer to those reading this to take the time to understand your emotions and feelings. It’s not going to be easy, but I feel you can find peace and the tools to deal with rejection in a healthy way and in the process you can learn to love yourself, because when you self-love no one can reject you.