by Julian Melara, Pleasant Valley State Prison Coalinga, CA
How can a man who has never had a normal family structure know anything at all about family values? After twenty-two years of being incarcerated, I have painstakingly firsthand knowledge about what it is about family values that is important, simply because I had very little growing up. Admitting that was a hard process for me because we all want to pretend that we come from family that teaches you such good moral values in life, right?
Well, I will tell you something that you may not agree with right away, but the fact that I had very little growing up has taught me something in my wake of meeting other people that have. I have learned how to appreciate them, family values, simply by seeing others value the smallest of gestures in their own lives, yes, even while I have sat here in a prison cell all these years.
Early on in my life, as far back as I can remember I can only see quick glimpses of joyous laughter and happy experiences, but those small glimpses are in fact those for which I had shared with my grandmother and my aunt growing up. I held on to these few memories in my life as an adult because they are the ones that have been imprinted deeply into who I was beneath all the other superficial stuff that was piled up on top of who I thought that I was while trying to be someone else. They say that when you go back to these memories a part of you relives them emotionally, and I understand that today.
The blanket of security and affection that my family placed on me throughout the first years of my life, shielded me from the harsh realities of what was really going on. There was this constant injection of love in abundance that was given to me was a cover up for the fact that I had no parents in my life, other than my grandmother and aunt raising me. I may not have been aware of this early on in my life as a small boy how, it was building inside me an appreciation for them while at the same time leaving within me an empty void where my parents were undeniably absent. The reality of my hardship was something that these family members kept beneath the rug from me and I understand that now. It was not their fault that they had to sit on the sidelines, after giving me all the unconditional love that they possibly could and watch me self-destruct into adulthood.
It has taken me forty years to finally reconcile with all of the struggles that I have had to endure, and many of them were struggles for which I alone created for myself. There is one thing for certain, the things that my Grandmother and Aunt instilled into me may have seemed to fade through my poor choices, but the truth is they are more present now than they ever were. I am a firm believer in the suggestion that it is a universal need for us as human beings to remain in lifelong pursuit of acceptance and belonging. That is just who we are as a people. We all want a place to belong.
I myself lost scope of that belonging and who it is that I was when I came to the U.S. back in 1980. My aunt and uncle could no longer provide for me in the way that they would have liked and so I was sent here to California at the age of six where I would be placed into countless living arrangements that were anything but permanent.
True, I was given everything materialistically that a small boy would love: new toys, a bicycle, my own bedroom, private schools for good education, and yet there was still a great deal that was missing from my life emotionally. I desperately needed what my grandmother and aunt provided me with while growing up in Mexico, and sad that was something that I no longer recognized here in the U.S.
A new family, new cultures and new experiences began to shape the way that I would perceive the world around me, and that included how I saw myself when I looked in to the mirror at my own reflection because of these influencing factors. I would start to seek my place in the world where it did not belong. I grafted towards those same people that had been lacking everything that I had emotionally. Welcome to the world of dysfunction. It’s the best way that I can describe this to you at that point.
By the time I had my first son, I was convinced that I could create my own family where my own upbringing had no influence whatsoever as to how I would raise my boy. I was wrong. All the things that I assumed where my strongest assets as a man, were in the end those same things that teach a small boy nothing about the world, other than how to take from it without the willingness to ever compromise or give back to others.
So, in time my world only began to consume itself until eventually it would come crashing down on me and everyone that stood close to me. I thought that I was someone that I had actually no idea about things. I just wanted to go back and do it all over again. Although I did not have the ideal structure of what it was to have a family founded on solid family values, I can say this:
I have seen things happen in lives around me that could not be denied as being what family values should always be about. I have seen people make selfless sacrifices for one another in desperate times of need. I have seen people give their last penny to ensure the well-being of another and I have seen people forgive each other where it was not well deserved simply because they understood that family comes first. Being a witness to such acts of value undeniably resonated within me and taught me valuable lessons into my becoming a better man today.
If I could tell you something about what I have learned, I would tell you that now is the time, even as a small boy or girl, where you should learn to appreciate the small things that your parents do for you just as much as all those other big things. Even if you are being raised by extend family members that have taken on the role of ensuring your safety and well-being, they too have so much to teach you from their wisdom alone.
These are the guiding figures in your life that should be your most prized possession, not those people out on the streets that believe that the world exists simply for everyone to conquer it alone and take from its presence. Give those people your attention, patience, and most importantly your willingness to forgive them when they make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.
And yes, there are also those people that let us down in ways that are incomprehensible. They are put into place to love and protect us, yet, they are the very ones that do us the most harm. They do a level of damage to us that cannot be easily earned no matter how much self-healing we set out to do. But holding resentment for all that has been done to you is going to do nothing more than cause you to stand in your own way of what you can achieve in life. Don’t let resentment be the reason you are sitting in a prison cell as I have for the past 40 years reflecting back on what your life was or could have been like.
I dedicate this writing reflection to all of my friends and their families that I have known since I was that small boy in Mexico. Thank you for all the gestures of love, all the invitations to come and do things with your families, and thank you for always making me feel like I too was part of your family. I learned so much from you in those moments that may not have been so transparent at that time, but today those are the things that added to what my Grandmother and Aunt taught me as a boy.
Your family values are what have helped shape me into the man I am today and I am forever grateful for that. Though it has taken me forty years to see the world through eyes that no longer hold selfish intentions or resentments towards those things that did not fit my agenda. I am finally at that crossroads in my life where I can’t wait to be sitting out there with my own family again practicing the very same family values that each of you have gifted me with.
To each one of you, please continue to value each and every moment together, those flashes of happiness, and treasure your time together as if it were your last because that is what families do.