by KH, Sacramento
My temper is like no other because I never could be able to control myself at the right time. I would never be able to speak on my feelings, and when I could, or did, I would still shut down, because I also had a busy mother.
I would make it harder on myself by not telling her how I really felt, and that’s a somewhat start as in why. My friends at school were the two girls I grew up with and always felt insecure about myself, because I would play “boy games” as in soccer, football, and basketball.
I never felt pretty because all the girls, except my friends maybe who knew, would say I was, but my friends would help me and never tell a lie. So now that I’m in YDF, I see myself when I was on the outs, not controlling my anger.
I never walked around mad at the world, just the people I’m close with who knew me a lot more, like my mother. Because we would get into arguments and I would let everything out. Not even mean everything. I would tell I’m sorry for my actions ‘cause I’ll lose points and say something disrespectful.
And I wouldn’t want to be mad all day to lose more points. I’ll say sorry when I know I’m in the wrong, and it will be a relief to not hold that anger in all day and believe it’s okay. When me and my dad got into an argument, which I always had hate for him, because he was never there, I took a bat and smashed all his windows because of what he said to me.
On top of how I already felt. And I didn’t care for a thing, but he would do this. That would hurt me and my mom. My point is, it felt good when I let it all out because never knew how it felt by doing something like that. My anger is how I let it out.
I never wanted to speak my mind, because when I did, nobody would listen or understand. Since I’ve came in YDF, my temper has been very mature and I can sometimes say how I feel.
My temper has never go this point on how it is now, because I’ve grown up and feel like it’s better to let it out. My temper makes me freeze just because I know how I am and who I am. And how people will look at me. My temper comes from my feeling, because I have a lot and always managed to put my anger first or just shut down.
I can at least know when I’m wrong to give myself time to think about what’s best for me. I don’t do anything to/for attention because I’ll feel like a fool and because I know it will just make me more upset.
That’s why I shut down and rather be done or don’t want to talk until I’m ready ‘cause the wrong thing will come out anytime. I’m more private, except the time with my dad. And I’m working on myself to do better for myself and do customer services and get somewhere in life. Working on life skills, self-skills, and lounge.