by Milton Alcantara
The change I am fighting so hard to change for the better is quite frankly my entire way of being. At the moment I am writing this while sitting in a cell no bigger than my bathroom back home. I am an inmate in San Quentin State Prison. And I am here because of the way that I have conducted myself, as well as the way I learned to perceive the world around me over a hard and troubled life.
A life that taught me nothing but aggression, violence and disappointment. It hard wired an impulsive and ignorant way of reacting to external circumstances within me.
I was not able to trust. I was not able to love myself, let alone others around me. This skewed way of looking at the world and myself made me incredibly self-destructive. I have had so many beautiful gifts in my life that I completely destroyed, damaged or drove away.
It took me to be sitting here alone in a lonely cell to be able to slow down enough to be able to see and acknowledge all the pain and destruction I left in my wake.
Now, I work hard every day to pick up the pieces of what’s left. Through prayer, meditation and commitment I try to rebuild myself into a better more compassionate and loving self, into a person that thinks before talking and acting.
I try to take a piece of everything I been through, and use it as my motivation to be better every day. I make my best effort to learn from everything around me. My past failures, my peers, my traumatic upbringing and everything in between helps me to grow both mentally and spiritually every day It’s not that easy and it is not fast.
But it is most definitely worth it. I have come a long way and have a very long journey ahead of me still. But I will look to my God when I feel lost and keep pushing through no matter what.