by Sean Walker
This is an understanding of where I come from and my thought process as a review of the things I’ve lived through. I’m looking at who I was, and who I am now and how did I get there? How did I plan to live for the future? They say the sign will pay for the sins of the father. My pops The Hustler, the dope man, the player, the Junkie, the abuser, the non-existent Father Figure. Makes sense seeing who I have become the Hustler, the baller, the player, the cheater, the abusers magnet attracting all abusive relationships, the non-existent son.
I’m a product of a broken home with a single mom working two jobs, no pops around. Products of a broken childhood having buried two brothers at the age of nine, losing my mind to psychologists, prescription drugs, insomnia, stress and delusions. Lonely and confused, I turn to the streets, for a father figure, for the relationships I lost with my late brothers’, for attention, for love, for something to keep me going and to answer my confusion. What I found were drugs, the Gang, reason in insanity, misguided purpose and direction.
Who I am now is a survivor having lived through the insanity, having put my mind back together piece-by-piece from the lowest point, junkie it out, homeless, with nowhere to turn. I had to put my relationships back together with estranged loved ones, becoming responsible and dependable, making logical reasonable decisions and realistic thoughts. I am the first to do many things unheard of among my peers, exercising honesty and truthfulness.
I’m encoding itself in My DNA brutally. Having left the hood successfully, making an outlet for others to travel through and came back with a blueprint for success. Leading by example not perfectly, but making strides astonishingly for someone having come from under what I have. I am presently, a loving son, strong, rational, slow to speak and fast to listen, experienced in life, remorseful, practical, and spiritual. I’m far from the man I was in closer to the man I want to be.
How did I get to this place that I’m in mentally, physically, and spiritually? Well, I’ve lived enough for 8 people. Plenty of sleepless nights and time to reflect. Sometimes at the top I felt so low with so many regrets eating at me, but mostly in jail I found truth stripped away all the jewelry, the cars, and the money.
You’ll find I was there and deserted. The woman left me, family forgot me, friends became a memory, but through that silence and neglect I found myself and then I found God and with that, values and morals mean more to humanity than just the streets. I found out who really got me and realized blood doesn’t make your family, so it only makes you related. I realized my frame of mind was highly flawed and sounded how delusional I was, Finding socks and books instead of on the lips of those abusing misled trust.
The foundation is responsible for proper acceptable behavior and black and white, the basis for why I know I’m correcting my miscalculations along with the difference in responses to my behavior. There was a lot of prayer from loved ones on my own behalf. I wasn’t meant to be here now in such a good place with myself.
The trip will be as turbulent as the way in, but using and utilizing the tools and wisdom of what proper protocol is, facing my criminal thinking so putting that into action should absolutely keep me grounded and what is acceptable, normal, societal behavior. Also, not being susceptible to old triggers, drugs, stress, acceptance and need to prove to the boss, a man’s rendering vices obsolete indefinitely.
Actions speak volumes whereas if you had not spoken to me in 6 years, why are you writing me now? Proof positive of an underlying motive to be wary of. All that’s left to do is further my education by expanding my Independence, focusing more on what I can do to help others, Kiama Community, volunteer, maybe speaking to the youth giving them the benefit of my experience.
I once thought violence was a way to retort the oppressors. Now I know success is the best revenge and it is legal with no negative recourse.