by TL
The one thing I fear the most right now while I’m in jail is the Coronavirus messing up court. I heard that the Governor might shut down all prisons and youth detention facilities in California.
So, I don’t know what that means for kids who haven’t been sentenced yet, like someone such as myself. I don’t know if I will be able to get out before that happens, or if I will be stuck here until it opens back up.
My entire life, I have been in control of what I can do or what times I can go to bed. Things that a normal fourteen-year-old can do. Now that I’m in here, everything has changed.
I get three meals a day and a snack at bedtime. I can’t control when I eat or what I can eat. I have my toilet in my room. Now, if I wasn’t in jail, that would have been a blessing.
Just chilling at home, playing video games and all of a sudden, I needed to use the restroom. I would have to walk all over the house to use it. But, in here, I use the bathroom where I sleep.
Something just isn’t right about that. I have to be told when I can get up in the morning and I even have to ask to get up to go somewhere in the day space. I can’t see my friends whenever I want, or when they want to see me.
Or hell, I can’t even talk to them at times because I don’t have my cellphone. I wear the same clothes every day and only get to change them once a week. Not to mention the shoes here.
It all just sucks. None of this is what I had wanted to do, let alone happen. I think one of my biggest fears is not being in control of a situation. I don’t like being the center of attention.
In fact, I would prefer not to have to be in that position whenever I can avoid it. My family and everyone I’ve ever met, even in here, have said I possess a leadership quality that if I really want to, I could handle any situation thrown at me.
Now, that was when I wasn’t in jail and wasn’t in as much trouble as I was now. I really hope I get out of this jam I am currently in and move on with my life.
Trying to think back to if any of my other fears started back when I was little, and I know a few that have. When I was about two years old, my fear of water developed over the past few years.
It’s subsided but it was still a fear I had to work on getting away from. Back to right now, another fear that I currently have is my fear of losing the people I care about the most.
While I’ve been in jail, I have a constant feeling that someone is forgetting about me every day. Whether it’s my best friends or it’s my little cousins, I never want them to feel like I’m not there for them to talk to and help them get through whatever issues they had or are having.
For my friends at school or in my personal life, I hope they won’t see this as me. If they could look past this situation as a minor setback for me, that would be great. But if they can’t, that’s also understandable as well.
For my girlfriend, if things change, I completely understand. If she was in the same situation, I can’t say I would make the same decisions. But, I understand.
Another thing I am afraid of right now is a change in who I am outside and in. This situation I feel like has changed me. I don’t know if it’s for better or worse. My attitude has certainly changed.
Every day there is either someone yelling at me or trying to get a rise out of me. I am in an anger management class called Step. Those methods they teach actually help too.
But, I still have issues at most times. I really don’t want them even to change me. I’m a good person who just made a very bad choice. If I still have my giving qualities by the end of this, that would be amazing.
I also know that none of this had to determine who I am in the inside or out. If anything, I can look at this as a learning experience. Don’t hang out with people who will get you in trouble.
Try to get involved in programs to keep me occupied either a job or sport. Those would be great opportunities to stay out of the system. Being the system is a great experience. Not one that I would ever want to have again, but I would still find things to stay out of trouble.
Something else I fear right now is how I am going to achieve my goals for my future and how am I going to be able to accomplish going pro with my dream. Or if I will even still be able to stay in the league to accomplish those tasks. My dreams that I’ve made for myself are not something someone can achieve all at once, but I wonder if I will even be able to go to a college at this point.
My dream I have set for myself is to become a professional football player and make it to the NFL. Or become a professional baseball player and make it to the MLB.
Currently, I’m not even sure these things will still be around by the time I am a senior in high school. Hopefully, they still are, but if they aren’t, then I don’t know what I’m going to do because currently I can’t enlist in the military when I turn eighteen.
So, I don’t know. I don’t want to flip burgers at a McDonald’s or Carl’s Jr or even Burger King. The reason why I want to do something in sports is because I want to be able to help someone in the greatest way possible.
Either that be making one catch and some kids wants to try this sport, or one strikeout and now a kid likes to try little league baseball. I want to be able to make an impact in someone’s life any way possible.
So, my fear is not being able to accomplish my goals. To start, I’m going to have to go to college. Well, high school first, then go to college. Hopefully one with a good sports program.
Then, my next goal is to go pro. I am not going to lie, this was pretty difficult. Trying to remain on one subject is pretty hard when you’re being distracted, and you have to do two pages on one topic.
If we were allowed to write multiple topics, yes, but that wasn’t really the case. Anyway, that’s what I am afraid of the most right now. That’s really it.