by Raymond Goins
Hello young men and women. My name is Raymond Goins and I have spent more time in a cell than each one of you have spent alive on earth. I am currently serving a 28 year sentence because I believed that all I was was a badass, all I ever would be is a failure, and that I was destined to land here in prison.
I would like to take this opportunity to speak to you and tell you a bit about myself. However, before I do, please allow me to share with you another story. It is a story of this little white girl who I know that was given up for adoption at birth.
You see, in the beginning her adopted father treated her as his own. He loved her, cared for her, and provided for her. Unfortunately, at some point he decided to alter her direction in life, and rob her of her innocence. It started as her being molested by him at the young age of twelve, and because she felt as if she had no one to turn to, she kept it all to herself.
Unfortunately, those molestations manifested into her becoming repeatedly raped and because of the continued sexual abuse at the age of fourteen, she became pregnant and gave birth to a child. Young people, you wouldn’t believe it, but this child had the same exact eyes that I have, and if that wasn’t enough, that child shared the same exact ears that I have! Crazy huh??
You see that little white girl that was molested, raped, and gave birth, well young men and women, that little white girl is my mother. I am the product of those rapes. I am what you would call a rape baby.
Although I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for those events that my mother went through, to be quite honest, I wouldn’t be in prison if it wasn’t for them as well. Those tragic events that my mother had to endure to breathe life into my soul has defined my character and the flawed decisions that I made in life. It allowed the confusion of my reality to manipulate the pain that I felt, to become an uncontrolled rage. Allow me to explain to you what I mean by that.
Before I found out that my grandfather was really my father, life for me was normal, or as normal as can be for a boy being raised by a child. It’s just unfortunate that my normal to everyone else has always been abnormal. You see me and my mother had more in common than just those eyes and ears. We also shared similar pain, a similar abuse.
Just like my mother, I too was molested by someone that I loved, looked up to, and thought of as a role model. I never thought that those events would impact my life, but unknowingly they did. I lost trust in everyone, especially adults, and my self worth deflated quicker than a bike tire with nails going through it.
I started acting out, and as my life progressed, so did the emotional, mental, and physical abuse. The same woman who had to endure abuse just so that I could exist had decided that I was becoming uncontrollable and beat me with everything from cables to extension cords, high heel shoes, to pots and pans.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, was off limits when it came to me getting beat. She always attempted to justify her actions by saying that she was attempting to stop me from becoming a failure. However, I always felt that she was trying to beat out of me the abuse that she had to endure at the hands of my biological father. As if those molestations and rapes were somehow my fault.
So the more I was beat, the angrier I became, the more of a badass I would become in the eyes of the adults in my life, like my mother, her friends, teachers, and complete strangers. All I was and would ever be is a badass, a kid destined for prison or death, a troubled teen, or like some if not at all of you reading this, a troubled youth.
I heard that stuff so much that I started to believe it, and it’s unfortunate because at heart all I truly was, was a good kid with a good heart, who didn’t want to let those adults down in my life. It is just unfortunate that I was constantly being fed the stereotype of a failure. Because although I find myself writing this and serving a 28 year sentence, in the eyes of those adults, I have met their expectations. I have fulfilled their prophecy.
So if you ever heard that you would never amount to nothing and become just like your dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, and/or our local neighborhood failure, well, I have too and I want you to know that I feel you, Truly I do. But young people, I need you to know that all those are only opinions. All they ever will be are opinions! Do not allow the opinions of others to become the moral compass that you follow throughout your journey in life.
They don’t know what you are going through, or what you have been through to even have an educated thought in which they can form an opinion about you. You find yourself reading this because despite every negative thing that you may have heard said about you, someone has given you this because they see hope in you. They see in you an inner greatness. You have to see that within yourself.
Now, before I finish writing this, allow me to ask you a question. How many of y’all want to spend your lives trapped in a cell like I have? I anticipate that none of y’all want that. So utilize that decision of not wanting to become like me, to be the decision that you use as your moral compass throughout your journey in life. I understand that your living environment may not be the best. It may be really messed up, but I need you to remember one thing. That the same pot of boiling water that softens the potato, also hardens the egg.
So it’s not about the circumstances that life has put you in, that will define you and what you will become, it’s the stuff that you’re made of that will define you, and what you become, and you all are made of greatness!
Thank you for reading my story, and investing this time of your life in yourself. Again, my name is Ramond Goins and I am serving a 28 year sentence because I believed that all I was was a badass, all I would ever be is a failure, and that I was destined to spend my life in prison. I beg of you not to allow my story to become your story.