by Jesus Cortez
Growing up my relationship with my father was what a relationship was supposed to be between a father and a son. I felt safe, accepted, loved, and important. I felt this up until he left which was when I was 5 years old. From that point on I had no relationship with him until he returned when I was 8. In his absence, I really did miss him, and needed him in my life. I remember my family and I lived in some apartments right across the street from Highway 99 in McFarland, CA.
I would regularly walk up to the fence separating the street in front of those apartments from the highway. I would place my hands on the fence grabbing onto it while staring in the direction the cars were headed thinking that if I walked following those cars I would surely find my father. I would run back to the pavement only after drivers honked their horns urging me to cross back over. So as I reflect on these moments I realized how lonely I felt and how much the kid I was needed and desired his father in his life.
Shortly after his return my brother and I went to live with him in Washington State. I now had a relationship with my father, but it was one based on fear. Fear because of the physical abuse we were being subjected to. This caused me to develop a deep resentment towards him and also the idea that there was something wrong with me because the person I desired most in my life was now physically abusing my brother and I.
When I came back to live with my mother in California I arrived very angry and quick to pour my hurt onto others. I was purposefully defiant and lashed out constantly to spite my father. As a result, my relationship with my father right up until the day of my incarceration was an unhealthy one.
Today, things have changed and it began when I asked my father about himself growing up. It answered many questions I had. I came to realize my father had it extremely difficult growing up. While there’s no excuse for being violent towards anyone, especially children, it is a clear example of hurt people hurting others.
My father was raised through beatings and that was what he learned. He arrived to this country from Mexico when he was 16 years old. Shortly after his arrival, my grandfather returned to Mexico assuring my father he would be back in a couple of weeks.
My grandfather on his trip over there was viciously murdered leaving my father to fend for himself in a foreign country. Unable to speak the language and with new trauma to deal with I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy. He met my mother when he himself was carrying around so much pain.
How hopeless and lonely he must have felt. I’ll tell you my father lied to my mother telling her he was unable to father children because of a medical condition. My mother didn’t want any more children because she knew it was difficult raising the two children she already had.
However, my father was like that child looking in the direction those cars on the highway were headed. He was lonely, uncertain, and carrying around a heavy load of self-doubt and hurt. When I learned of these things the resentment I had for my father evaporated and were replaced with empathy.
Today, I have an awesome relationship with my father based on trust, understanding, forgiveness, and love. As a result, I am no longer passing that hurt to others. Reflecting back, I am able to see clearly that my father really did love us. He simply didn’t have the healing and the necessary tools to be a father.
I tell my father every chance I get that I love him. And I’m grateful to God for allowing me to heal and contribute to my father’s healing.