by Joseph Weathington
Dear Dad,
I was really sad, hurt, and disappointed in you for not having being a father to and for me when I needed one the most. I don’t know if you were capable of being a father, and by father, I mean being there emotionally, being supportive, encouraging, guiding, loving, and all the rest that goes with being a dad. I’d like to think that you are sad about it as well. I thought something was wrong with me because of your leaving and abandonment. I took it upon myself to blame myself for your terrible inadequacies. I know today that I was a beautiful, loving, lovable little boy deserving of your love, your support, and your attention.
I feel kind of bad for you, dad, because you had two beautiful children and you couldn’t and wouldn’t let us enrich your existence. I don’t know if you even noticed. You must have suffered badly and we all suffered along with you. Dad, I know the disease of alcoholism and drug abuse took everything from you. You died a very lonely man, embittered by what you thought were all the wrongs, real or imagined, done to you. Feeling sorry for you kept me angry, hurt, full of sadness, confused, and all kinds of other feelings from surfacing. I had to get in touch with my anger, disappointment, and all the rest. I want to let go. I want to make room for love. I don’t want to die an embittered old man. I want to die with business finished.
I no longer hold you responsible for giving me love, acceptance, and respect. I no longer need you for that dad. I have me today. I have me! The reason I emphasize that “I have me”, is because I didn’t have me before. I drank alcohol, just like you did, dad. I used drugs, just like you did dad. I became alcoholic in the process and I abandoned my children, just like you abandoned me dad.
I had no role model to help me become a man. I had no guidance from a father figure. I had no one to lead the way for me. I grew up or rather survived the streets and the projects you left me in. I have spent my entire like searching for answers, for the love, acceptance, and validation from a father, from you. I trusted no one. I didn’t or couldn’t reach out to anyone. I isolated myself, always pretending to have it all together, when I really didn’t. I felt afraid, desperate, and alone, I became even more confused, hurt, angry, and heartsick.
I no longer want to have to feel vulnerable for love and acceptance. I know today that I was deserving of your love and acceptance. I know today that I can do for myself and not have to search out to others, attempting at getting that love and acceptance. Dad, do you know how much rage I carried around within myself after you died? It built up year after year after year. Only to unleash it on a totally innocent person. I shot and killed someone and I have to live with that the rest of my life. I thank God for helping me. I’m doing something about my anger, today.
I am addressing my alcoholism and I am sober. I am no longer running away from my problems or my life. I am facing my fears and I’m learning to reach out and ask for help from others in healthy ways. For the first time in my life. I think that I’m a loving, lovable fragile human being who was taken a severe emotional beating most of my life. I have been a victim most of my life and I don’t want to continue living my life as a victim anymore.
I have the opportunity to free myself from my past, no longer being a product of my environment or in a cloud of anger. I want freedom. I want to be happy. I no longer want to live life thinking I was a burden. I want to live life as if it is an adventure, bringing love, peace, and hope to those that I can.
Dad, I was eight years old when you died. I’m your Junior. You were my hero and my mentor. I looked up to you, my senior, and I was so angry and alone when you died. I felt so abandoned and vulnerable. But, I can be a man today, even without your guidance. I feel sorry for you, dad, that you never had that opportunity. Dad, I love you so much. I thought the world of you in spite of yourself. I thought you could do no wrong. I’m here because I blamed you. I was angry because of you, and now, I’m free because of you.
Dad, I forgive you. You did the best that you could do for me at that time. And, I thank you for that. I will always love you, forever miss you, and I shall never forget you. Until I see you again, goodbye dad.