Greetings friends! Welcome to issue 25.0708! This issue is packed with solid writings and art from our many friends around the state of California and beyond… We are incredibly grateful to you writers, artists, friends, collaborators and partners for making The Beat Within the one of a kind publication that it is. This week we have back our dear friend, OT, in Nicaragua, who is sharing a brilliant piece of heartfelt writing. We could not say it any better than he does in the following. Without further ado, lets pass the keyboard to OT…. Now enjoy this amazing issue!
We would like to welcome you readers back to another great double dose edition of the one and only The Beat Within. Again, it’s OT addressing all you beautiful ladies and gentlemen, with the hearts of gold and the courage of a lion.
I’m reporting live from the hot and humid climate of Managua, Nicaragua. By the time this latest issue reaches y’all hands Valentine’s Day could be rapidly approaching or it could be Valentine’s Day or it would’ve passed already. Not much of Valentine’s person myself, but I did want to give a shout out to all you guys locked down doing time. I know you heard of Kobe Bryant, his daughter and seven other dedicated people passing away, so I do want to extend my condolences.
It’s sad to see a legend go, the motivation he provided, the inspiration for all those who love the game of basketball, and a great father, husband to his family. No one feels the pain harder and deeper than they do, his wife, his daughters and the rest of his family.
But lost in the shadows of Kobe Bryant’s big persona was the eight other victims that tragically lost their lives, including his thirteen year old daughter Gianna. After watching CNN all week and Fox News(trust me, that channel is not my cup of tea) but just to see the tribute for Kobe Bryant, all that was lost was recognition of his daughter Gianna.
I’m not saying that they forgot about her because they did mention her, but I watch the news from the time I wake up in the morning and all day while I’m working on The Beat to me it felt like there was a lack of mention, maybe out of respect for the family.
What do I know? I’m no professional reporter or journalist, but I am a human. I am a father. I am an uncle, I am a brother of a couple of sisters. My twin daughters just turned fourteen this past weekend, the same age of one of the young girls that died in the helicopter crash. There were three young girls Gianna, age 13, Sarah age 13 and Alyssa who was 14 years old.
There were young lives that were lost that never got to live their dreams, that never reached the age that many of us have now surpassed, including some of you young souls. Imagine the pain that their families feel over this tragic accident? Now, this was an accident, but just imagine one of your immediate loved ones passing away, and I’m sure that some of you have experienced the loss of a loved one already, either through an accident or through some tragic incident.
Hey, the loss of life hurts us all. Death surrounds us all, because death is a part of life. People die and are born every day. It’s just a fact of life. There are plenty of people who are in those cemeteries right now who DESERVE another chance, but they aren’t going to get one. The ones who are still standing right now are me, you and the ones you see around us. The memories of our loved ones that have passed away are never lost. They live within us.
We all come from different backgrounds, and religions and regardless if you believe if there is an after-life or not, the life that we have to worry about is this life that we’re in right now. I know if I were to die today, my soul would still be roaming this earth trying to tell every single one of my loved ones how much I love them.
I had a nightmare not too long ago that I have to share with you all and this is the first time I am sharing it and I’m sharing this because I know some of you may of had this feeling. There are times where I personally feel lonely too. I’m in another country and I have six years of being in this country and away of my family: my mom, my sisters, my kids, my aunts, my uncles, my friends, and it gets lonely. Do I have friends here, yeah I do, not many, and the most of them are just friends either because of work or because they are people I know from places I frequent often like the barber shop, or grocery shopping.
You know what I mean, for those of you who’ve done time, or are doing time, you are ripped away and time seems to move on without you. Birthdays pass, holidays pass, loved ones get older and you don’t even physically get to see. It’s like you are reading a book about your life, but as the world turns, you are still stuck on the same chapter.
I feel you. I too was ripped away from my loved ones when I did my time in prison, and after I was done doing my time I was then exiled to another country where I was born, but never grew up in. So, I have my days. I miss my loved ones. I miss my kids, man. I too think whether I will ever make it back to my loved ones, or will I have to receive a call telling me that yet another friend or relative has passed on. I too, can’t go to the funeral. I too can’t physically be present.
I get to wonder if I’m really alone here. Those thoughts are so cancerous that it leads to other thoughts, like thoughts of self-doubt and self-worth. Am I missed? Am I going to die alone? Will I be missed? Would anyone care? Would this world be a better place without me? I’m not a mind reader, but for those reading this, I’m sure these thoughts have crept through your mind maybe once or twice in your lifetime, or sometimes, it happens once or twice a month, or sometimes it happens when we’re in a cell thinking about how we hurt our loved ones.
Well, let me get back to my nightmare before I run out of space. I had a dream, better yet a nightmare that I passed away. I don’t know how it happened, that I don’t remember, but I CLEARLY remember thinking that dying would be the best solution for my pain and that no one would care. But as I passed on to the “next life” I realized that between the portal of life and death, I quickly realized that I never wanted to go in the first place. I realized I made a mistake and I never wanted to leave my loved ones behind. I went to my memorial and saw all my loved ones crying, my mom, my aunt, my sister, my kids, heck I even saw Dave there and many other ex-coworkers and colleagues, and again this is a dream, nightmare whatever you want to call it.
I wanted to hug everyone. I wanted to wipe away my mama’s tears, and I wanted to apologize to my daughter’s for leaving them. But I couldn’t. No one could see me. No one could hear me. Damn, this dream/nightmare felt so real, and the pain felt so heavy that I literally woke up feeling pain in my heart and I felt something heavy being pressed upon my chest. I woke up with misty eyes, sad, heart-broken, and depressed, but RELIEVED that I was still breathing and ALIVE.
That nightmare changed my whole perspective about life, because it showed me how ungrateful I was. Yeah, I can’t hug my mom when I want to, I can’t take my kids to school, and only talk to my nieces and nephews through FaceTime and I haven’t met a few of them, but guess what? It’s better than not being able to see them at all.
Life is still beautiful even when times are tough. Life would be boring if there weren’t any challenges right? It’s boring to watch an NBA game and you see the game and the score is 95-62 in the 3rd quarter. You want to see a challenge right? You want to see your favorite team fight and scrap till the last minute of the 4th quarter right?
So, then that’s what we should do in life, as well. We should fight, scrap and accomplish our goals until our hearts ain’t beating anymore. Some of you still have your whole lives ahead of you. We don’t know when it’s our time to go. So in the meantime smile in the face of adversity and enjoy the moment.
Since the day of my nightmare I realized how awful of a feeling that was, so even on my worst days, I need to appreciate them. I don’t want any of you to feel the way I felt that night, and that morning, either through a nightmare or real life.
Sometimes, we say things, and we do things that at times that we don’t really mean to say or do, but it’s never a reason to throw in the towel. Reach out for help if you need it, and try your hardest, because before anyone ever succeeds they must fail first. Some fail once, twice, three, four, or even spend extended periods of their lives failing before finally succeeding at what they want to accomplish.
Find your passion, be unselfish to others, show the world the true you. Show the world the most important thing that is not always, visible….your heart, and when you do, you will have no regrets.
One love to everyone that has lost a loved one, and one love to all those who are still here. Let’s reach for the stars and inspire others to do the same…and The Beat keeps going and going.