by Derek Romero
I used to be asked, “What I wanted to be growing up?” I didn’t know how to answer this truthfully. I had no notion or ideals of what was expected of me, like becoming someone with a religious background, which I strongly disagreed with. Me, a priest! Yeah, when pigs fly! I had perceptions and projections directed toward me at an early age to become the things my parents wanted me to be or do with my life.
They would say things such as they knew that I was smart, maybe smarter than my sister, and that they expected me to do better. I had an imaginary ideal of wanting to become a lawyer or an architect. You know, the typical ideas of a kid, well for me that is.
But truth be told I didn’t really see a future for me at all. I only saw a void, a rift of where something should be. So, whenever I was asked what do I want to be or see myself doing in years to come? Impulsively, I answered what I knew was expected or fantasized as a kid: going to school, becoming a lawyer/architect, something with a great income so I can get my mom that dream house she always wanted.
These ideas eventually became a fantasy when I overheard my uncle telling my mom, “He’s going to need a lawyer when he gets older,” or when family members jokingly said things such as, “all the guys in our family have been locked up. You’re next.” I allowed myself to entertain these words and gave them the power to affect my life tremendously.
People that cared about me have always tried to warn me of possible consequences. My grandma would always tell me that my family loved and cared about me. That’s why they were so difficult with me. She’d also told me that those I was associating myself with would lead me down a path of hardships and many troubles. My response to their pleas was always the same, “Let me learn the hard way.”
I used to say that just to get them off my back. I’m truly regretfully living those words, serving a 27 year prison sentence. I took their words for granted and never accepted it for what it actually was, a concerned loving supportive family who did everything they could to prevent me from making the choices and decisions that I made.
By allowing myself to learn the hard way, I involved myself with the wrong kind of people. I allowed myself to be put in a situation where someone lost their life.
One night, my homies and I, made the decision to drive around to look for trouble. We found it with Vincent Chapa.
We asked him, “What’s up! Where you from?”
Those five words took a life and thirteen years of mine. I’ve always known that I was a trouble maker or a seeker of it. I’ve been told this my whole life by family members and those around me.
One night, while in Colorado Springs visiting my older sister for the holidays, she confessed to me that she didn’t recognize who I’ve become and that she was afraid of me.
At the time not knowing it, this created doubts and insecurities within me that reinforced reasons to stay away from family. If they couldn’t accept me, than who would?
I found acceptance with those I associated myself with, my gang. Within the gang I found a new lifestyle, personality, false beliefs/values, and learned how to desensitize myself. I sought solitude and acceptance in the gang life, which was something I didn’t feel at home. I found more stability in the gang lifestyle: drinking, using drugs, stealing, and fighting.
Growing up there wasn’t that much stability with all the moving, I told myself, “What’s the point of even trying” at school or a normal relationship. My priorities were warped. I put the gang above those that should’ve mattered more, my family. I built up walls of trust and resentments toward those that cared believing I was doing the right thing. While, everything else was irrelevant.
I didn’t’ consider the consequences or those being affected by my actions. It was a means to an end way of thinking for me. If you weren’t involved with my gang or lifestyle, I didn’t care and I rationalized it.
As much as it hurts to say, me coming to prison turned out to be a blessing. I’ve been given the time to recognize what I’ve done, the instability, the choices, and decisions that I’ve made, and those I’ve hurt along the way. In the past I’ve never had or saw a possible future for myself but to this day, if asked, “How do I see myself?”
Honestly, I see myself as: determined, dedicated, blessed, hopeful, grateful, and appreciative. My priorities in life have drastically changed. I no longer feel that void in myself, now it’s a feeling of meaning and purpose. Although, truth be told, I still question whether I deserve the good things in life.
These are still those that questions if I truly changed. They still view me as that individual before prison. I know I’ve changed and I can’t blame them for the way they see me. All I can do is continue to stay on the path of improving myself. Until one day that old me is forgotten.
There are many factors and events that played a huge role in the person I was. I’ve hurt countless people and made many mistakes along the path I chose. I may not be worthy of forgiveness but it was this path that led me to become the person I am today. I am proud and pleased of the man I’ve become. My aspects on life and the values I hold have majorly changed for the better.
I now have a purpose, I am capable of standing on my own two feet; not dependent on others. I am able to take accountability and responsibility for my actions, and I’m willing to make amends. I can honestly say that I know who I am today. I am not my past. I am Derek Romero.