Greetings! Another week, another Beat! We are thrilled to present you with this amazing, one of a kind, heartfelt and moving double issue, 24.47/48, of The Beat Within. Like every issue we create, this is full of writing and artwork to inspire and give hope. We are grateful to you writers who embrace our workshop topics, as well as you writers who independently reach out to us with your submissions, thank you all. Your writings are more important now than ever before.  We believe the impact you have on our readers is tremendous and we can’t thank you enough for the courage you take through your writing, your words, your art, your truths. This week, like most issues, we have our dear friend and long-time colleague, OT, opening up this issue with his views from Nicaragua, so let’s pass the keyboard and get his words flowing…. Thank you OT!Â
It’s OT once again putting it down in The Beat Within! Once again I’m reporting live from the hot volcanic rocks of Managua, Nicaragua. I would like to start by giving a shout out to all the youth, volunteers, the staff (both inside the institutions and Beat Within staff too!) And the OG’s that sprinkle wisdom on The Beat Without (BWO) pages. All you make me proud, and your words and your stories gives me motivation to keep striving to better myself.
I want to reach for the stars and be successful at times, and sometimes I too find myself in predicaments similar to some of you. We all have a constant fight every day. It all begins when we wake up. Some of us don’t want to get up early. Some of us have to because of work, or maybe because you have kids. Some have to wake up early because you’re locked up and you don’t have a choice. Whatever the reason may be, when we all get our night time shut eye, or day time shut-eye, depending on your shift, you always have to wake up.
We should be fortunate and consider ourselves blessed that we get the opportunity to wake up as plenty of souls go to sleep that night and never wake up again.
Between me and you, sometimes I’m afraid to go to sleep thinking that I may be next. So sometimes it takes me a while to go to sleep or sometimes I can’t sleep at all. But that’s not the only thing that keeps me up at night, and if I want to be selfish and say I only care about my own life and that’s all I’m worried about, that’s about half-way true.
Of course I want to wake up in the morning. I look forward to my morning cup of coffee and boiled eggs and toast, but I also think about my family, my sister, my nieces, my nephews, my cousins, and my own two kids. I’m so far away from everything that I love, that I speak to friends of mines, some of us that grew up together and some that grew up in the same gang together, and some that I may have spent some time in the system with, and even they ask me when I’m coming back to the USA.
My ex-girlfriend, which lives in San Francisco, CA., used to ask me all the time, but it’s hard to explain. I can’t go back to the United States legally because I’ve been deported. I already had my opportunity and I blew that away like the big bad wolf that blew the first two little piggies’ houses down.
For the moment, my only way back into the United States is illegally. That means illegally trekking back from my country, through all the gangs and cartels in Central America and Mexico, and hope I somehow make it alive to the border and then cross that river illegally and hope that border patrol doesn’t catch me still.
If I’m caught, I’d be breaking the law, and I’d be facing a minimum Federal Sentence of about five plus years, and then I will be back to the ever great revolving door that we all have come to know as “The System.â€
It took me a while to think and juggle between these thoughts, and make a decision to stay in the country that I feel alienated from. I had to do the checks and balances and figure that I was better off here, with my freedom, than make my way back illegally and always have to worry and watch my back.
I wouldn’t be able to work legally and I wouldn’t be able to have benefits and stuff like that, and all just because I want to be back and close to my family. It sounds selfish, or it may sound noble, or it also may sound like the plot drama off a soap opera off of Netflix, but it’s real life. I still have to find a way to wake up in the morning and look forward to life here and I think I am. It’s a challenge to look on the bright side of things.
I think to myself, that maybe my kids don’t think that I’m making the big enough sacrifice to go see them. They may not think I love them, but I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. I can only tell my kids I love them and text them and offer my emotional support through conversations and help them out economically. I hope they see my effort.
Today, I have freedom to watch sports games, I watch the Warriors, ESPN, and watch how the Niners are doing. I get to eat food that I want and not from institutions. I have ok living conditions, not bad, not where I want them to be, but they have been improving over the years. I have to look at the pros and cons.
Not being present in the lives of my family and loved ones is hard but doable. I read many stories from the great BWO writers, and feel privileged enough to do so because it helps me at times get through my own personal struggles from day to day. I read about some of y’all doing time in juvie that you wish could be spending with your little brother or little sister and it always strikes a chord for me, because I feel the same way.
I read about BWO writers that have been locked up and have not been able to see their kids for five plus, ten years, even twenty years, but they still write and talk with optimisim. I myself haven’t seen my two daughters since 2011 and I was in prison when they came to see me. So you can do the math. When I read that you powerful writers still hold a positive attitude about it, it only helps me keep a positive attitude about my own similar struggles.
Each day brings its own challenges and purpose, sometimes it takes for me to read a piece of writing from one of you ladies and gentlemen that gives me enough gas to keep pushing on to the next day.
It all starts when we wake up. From the moment you wake up, you have the power to make a substantial difference in your very own morning, just by the attitude that you have. You wake up groggy at first. Splash some water on your face, or shower, and tell yourself it’s going to be a good day.
You can’t undo the past. Time machines still don’t exist, so yesterday’s problems try to leave them exactly where they should be… in the past. You have the opportunity to smile, so smile. Stop mugging everybody. Stop trying to look so hard. Y’all look a lot better when you smile. Smile at your neighbor, Smile at your celly. Smile at your kids, your parents, heck smile at the counselors (and guards) and be grateful that you woke up this morning. You can’t be mad forever!
One love to everybody that’s going through some type of struggle! The Beat keeps going and going…love y’all!
Thank you OT for your powerful commentary. We’re smiling at you and all you readers holding this magazine. Thanks again for all you do. With that said, keep the life stories and essays coming, you all are making a major difference with your epic writings. We can’t tell you enough, how many of our readers are inspired and thankful to you writers who take the time to share your story on paper. Trust us! See you in the next issue!