by Harry C. Goodall Jr.
When I think about healing, I ponder those I feel harmed me, and those I harmed. Is prison the end result for most who have never healed?
Sometimes I think the two overlap. I am learning over time you can’t dwell on those you have harmed, whether physically or emotionally. I can only figure out what my triggers were to avoid doing it again. You have to learn how to place value on yourself as being a man, yet not feel your only role is to be a provider and protector. Reasoning, while in prison, who provides for you? More than likely it’s a woman, right? I tell you this so you’ll quit assuming what a man is. If you want to be the patriarch of your family you need to establish realistic goals of what a man is. Don’t be afraid to do the work to achieve this. We need to find healing from childhood abuse or neglect. Never be afraid to ask peers and seek out help when problems arise.
Redemption is my key to success. It helps me to atone for all the wrong that I have done. It is the only hope I have for peace of mind. This insight gives me hope to heal my heart. See, I had to learn to shed tears like I had shed blood in the past. This went against all of the macho images and things I was taught growing up. Violence is easy to do but will never be the answer. You have the lessons seared in your mind that a man was to be as tough as steel and never was suppose to cry. We need to redeem our life and turn it into its value. Just think of it as being able to see again years after losing your sight. The amount of money you have does not define you as a man or a leader. You can express your emotions and still be a man, it just means you’re human. Be the person that you want to love. Start letting go of your ego. Your past shaped who you are, it doesn’t define what your future will be.
In the same sense, those who have harmed me hurt me everyday I don’t find resolution. The scars I carried around with me left me not being able to love myself or anyone else. I had to learn to seek counseling, to love me before I could love anyone else. Life is a complex thing. Think of parents you may have let down. Some of our parents blame themselves for how our lives turned out. Most of us carry some kind of resentment about what we wanted our parents to do. How we wanted them to love us, be part of our lives. You can never change the past. Most of our parents just did what they felt was best from what they were taught growing up. Looking back, all I really wanted was attention at home. Sadly, the attention that I did get only came when I did wrong. The straight A’s in school went unnoticed. When I excelled in sports there wasn’t a “Good job, son” or “I’m proud of you” said. In my home there was an abusive mother. One that felt being a disciplinarian was how to show love. Her actions weren’t noticed by my dad he did nothing to prevent it. There were times I had Top Ramen noodles for dinner while my dad ate a juicy burger from a hamburger stand. These actions by them left me feeling inadequate. I had no idea it was abuse. The inadequate feeling left me afraid to love, thinking love must come with pain.
During reflection you have to forgive those whom you feel are beyond redemption. My mother words echo in my mind. She would say, “I only whip you because I love you.” But what I received from her was no whipping, but beatings. It was in retaliation for me repeating words from a Richard Pryor album. While crying and shivering from hear, I got the pliers, and felt the cold steel press against my testicles. Other abuse occurred being slapped studying at the dinner table. Followed with a quip from her, “Oh you a smart one”, but not those exact words. Scars that turned me cold and callous. I devalued love and what it represented. Could you forgive a person like this monster? And if so, how do you begin to heal from this trauma? I only suggest what has worked for me. It has been many years of anger management. I also attended AI-Anon meeting and of course, professional counseling. Yes, black people need therapy too.
Think of your kids you may have disappointed. No one understands why their parent is in jail. There’s a feeling of abandonment or void we left them with when we went to prison. I remember vividly my daughter telling me, “I don’t think I can ever forgive you for not being there in my life. Things would have been different if you were home.” How can I tell my child, loyalty to a homie or lack of money justifies the crime I committed? This would be a lie. Do you think they’d be wrong to harbor some resentment towards me? I didn’t abuse either of my kids the way my mother abused me, but I harmed them just the same spending twenty years in prison.
How could I allow them to heal, while I learned to heal also? The first step in this process is admitting to your kids that your decision making is flawed, and wrong. Sincerely apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. Don’t expect them to forgive you right away. It may take years for their scars to heal, but never give up.