by Thomas Sheen
As a teenager I was a lonely, angry person. I was mad at my parents, my siblings, my teachers, my peers, and the world. I believed then that they didn’t care about me, therefore I wasn’t going to care for them. Although, deep down inside I wanted and needed their love and attention. To fill this void in my life and to escape the hurt I was constantly feeling, I began to use drugs and alcohol and to hang out with my “friends” that were older than me. This combination gave me the sense of love and acceptance that I needed, so much so that I soon dropped out of school to spend all my time with them.
Being addicted to drugs and alcohol and also being a highschool dropout, my father whom I had been living with for the past year sent me back to live with my mom and stepdad whom I resented. I didn’t realize it then that my father was moving me from that environment because he loved me and wanted me to fulfill my potential. However, at that time I felt that he was abandoning me again and was trying to ruin my life. Being forced to go live with my mom and stepdad again, I remained mad at the world. Living in a different city, I no longer had drugs readily available; therefore my alcohol consumption increased dramatically. I was drinking as often as I could. My mom enrolled me back into highschool, but I soon dropped out again. At that time in my life I didn’t see the value of a good education. How earning a higher education would provide me with a fulfilling career, a healthy quality of life, and increase my self-esteem.
Within the following year I had been arrested several times for assault and battery, multiple DUI’s, and brandishing a firearm. Each time I was released within a couple of days. Never once did I consider that I should stop breaking the law, rather, I believed I could get away with anything. Eventually, I was sitting in front of the sentencing judge who told me he could and did consider sending me to prison, however, the judge that day showed compassion and sentenced me to only 6 months in jail. He had given me a 2nd chance to get my young mind right and to hold myself accountable by taking responsibility for myself, for my future. Those few month in jail were enough for me to understand that I never wanted to be incarcerated again, yet I chose to return to the same lifestyle upon my release, having received yet another chance, I thought I had it all figured out. I believed my only problem was my fighting and my driving while intoxicated. I believed then that as long as I didn’t fight or drive drunk anymore that my life would be alright. I never considered how much my addiction to drugs and alcohol was hurting those whom I said I loved.
Over the next several years I continued to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana in an attempt to escape the feeling of resentment, hurt, fear, and shame that I constantly felt. However, I never realized it then why I felt I had to get high to make it through the day. That by attempting to escape those feelings I slowly drove all those whom I loved away from me. Feeling lonely and depressed I ultimately murdered two innocent human beings, a decision that I deeply regret and that I wish I could undo.
Arriving to prison with a 34 to life sentence I was full of regret and shame. I felt utterly hopeless and I believed that I deserved to remain in that miserable state for the rest of my life. As I sat there in a cell, broken, tears for the wicked person I had become came forth. When I cried out to Jesus, He forgave me and saved me. He created in me a clean heart, I felt accepted, loved, and that my life had purpose, I knew God made me and that he had sent me on a path of self discovery through his guiding hands in various ways.
He then blessed me with a true friend who helped me to understand that with the sincere regret and remorse that I felt, it is my responsibility to transform my life; to live in a way that honors my victims, their survivors, and my family. Since those crucial moments in my life I have been blessed with many 2nd chances that earlier in my life I had taken for granted. The first was for me to participate in self-help groups in search of answers to the many questions I had for myself. Why was I angry all the time, why did I “need” to get high everyday, why did I hurt so many people, what is my purpose in life? The answers to these questions did not come easily or quickly, rather over a number of years.
During my journey over the years I’ve participated in many support groups, most of which have benefitted me in some way. The 2 that have had the biggest impact on my life are; Guiding Rage Into Power (GRIP), and Long Term Offender Program (LTOP). These two extremely helpful groups guided me through the process to unbury and to heal from the fear, hurt, and shame I had been stuffing deep down inside since I was a young child, and to challenge my beliefs. All my life I had been taught that men don’t cry, that I have to be tough and to show no fear or pain. That if I had a problem I was to deal with it, with violence if necessary. I never imagined how destructive those beliefs are and how harmful it is to hold my feelings in, and to mask them with drugs, alcohol, denial, or violence. This knowledge has provided me with much more than my sobriety, it has provided me with empathy, compassion, and what I’ve always desired, meaningful, healthy relationships with my family, friends, and my savior Jesus Christ.
A second chance at earning a higher education has also changed my life. Overcoming my resistance to this opportunity was challenging for me. Most of my life I had doubted my ability to be successful in college, yet I believed it was something that I needed and desired. However, the fear of failing and my self-doubting always held me back. Creating new habits was difficult, but well worth the sacrifice. Having earned a college degree has increased my self esteem and has opened doors of opportunity for me that had previously been closed due to my lack of education. I now have better career opportunities which have provided me with the confidence to financially support myself and my family.
These opportunities have ultimately taught me that every person has it within themselves some kind of goodness, some kind of asset. Trusting in God, earning a higher education, and participating in support groups that are available can bring these attributes out so that we can carry them with us to the next difficulty in life, and like my friend, provide hope and a second chance for someone else in our lives. No matter where you’re at, our communities, our lives are full of second chances to be received and given.