by Brianna Ramirez
In February 2011 I went to jail for assaulting a man at the group home I was placed in. My mom and I had planned so much before I became incarcerated so to her it was yet another monumental disappointment. I had been taken out my home initially because of the toxic relationship I had with my parents. I had disobeyed her numerous times and she had every reason to leave me in detention. I knew that jail wasn’t the place for me. I was taught better than to get myself into situations where I was locked down with murderers, drug dealers, and rapists. But even still, my mother stood by me even after all the angry phone calls, disrespect and stress I caused.
I continued getting into trouble in the detention center. The kids called it a “turn up” which was a jail term for tantrum. Sometimes just lining up would ignite an argument. I admit that I was extremely frustrated and depressed and turning up, breaking property, hitting staff and residents was my outlet, but it mostly resulted in me getting hurt during restraints and ultimately having my time in jail extended. I caught almost eleven extra charges and started even more arguments with my mother. As a result, I didn’t get released until December 2016—almost six years later. When I came home, my mother was like a humpback whale and her offspring after migration, welcoming and resourceful. I wanted to be a child again so I could spend more time with her.
The taste of being wanted was like drinking a pink lemonade with crushed ice on a humid day. Her attitude was refreshing after all the trials I had faced—literally. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to and after the dust settled, I just wanted my mom and I to have a good relationship again.
But after not having freedom for so long, I felt like I needed to do things that other seventeen year olds were doing like hanging out with friends, having boyfriends, and getting jobs. I wanted to feel grown. I wanted to be the ruler of myself for a change.
I left home in hopes to find friends and to feel like I was part of the community again, but instead, I found the complete opposite. For a year and a half I was living quite frivolously with no objective in life feeling like I didn’t have anyone on my side left. I went nights not knowing where I would lay my head. I was robbed and had to roam the streets of New York late night, hoping someone would help me without requiring me to give them money or sex. I went nights, sometimes even days, not having anything to eat just because saying, “sorry,” wasn’t worth the humility. I experienced situations where I was trying to help my so-called friend and wound up cutting my freedom short once again. I realized that my loyalty ran too deep for people and they didn’t deserve my company.
I had too much pride to go back to my mother after all the stuff I’d done to her. She had the choice to hold a grudge if she wanted because of all the all of the disrespect and stress I put her through in the last seven years of my life. Yet, she still decides to forgive me because she knows I’m human and am going to make mistakes. Being that she hasn’t given up on me I feel like I’m more responsible with my actions. I’ve been applying for jobs and have learned to compromise and communicate with her. We don’t get into as many arguments and we have open-minded conversations where we meet on common grounds.
I had been selfish because I didn’t think about what was making my mom happy nor what my mom and I were going to do in the long run. My mother forgiving me benefits her too because we don’t argue anymore and I try not to stress her with problems. I’m trying to do better for myself and for the rest of my family. I’ve enrolled in GED classes and have been working on my goals of becoming a published writer. Since my mother forgave me, I’ve been able to spend more time with my family and now have a better relationship with my beautiful little sister Nazareth. This exemplifies how being open to forgive others benefits everyone involved.
So why should we be willing to forgive others? Because no one on this earth is perfect. Sometimes daily encounters with family, friends, or even people on the street make us feel like being that people have free will they have control on their actions- which they do, but some people just get side tracked or distracted. Forgiveness is a way to give people a fresh start and a clean slate.