by Joseph “Big Bro” Weathington
Dear Edward Jr. (Pesto),
Hey baby bro, it’s been a while since you passed away. A lot has changed since your death, but missing you is the one thing that hasn’t. I love you bro, and I miss you just as much.
I’m writing you because I want to apologize. I’m sorry that I failed you. I wasn’t the big brother to you that I should have been. I didn’t guide you in the right direction. I led you left, when I should have been the big brother that showed you something different, given you an outlet so you could get out of those projects, instead of showing you how to survive in them.
I’m sorry baby bro, my absence in your life was because I was holding onto anger I couldn’t let go of. I was lost, so trapped by that anger that I couldn’t see anything beyond it. I only knew my own truth, my self-belief and no one could tell me otherwise.
I’m sorry baby bro, as your big brother I had the powerful ability of influence in your life, even in the environment around us. Instead of embracing that terrifying responsibility. I lead you down a road that I knew the possible outcomes.
Although I didn’t know this at the time, but the smallest thought of mine for you to do right, the smallest thing I could have done to show you different, or the smallest words I could have said to plant the seed in you to succeed in life, would have been the difference like night and day. That awesome power of influence could have changed our world.
The effects I caused through my behavior and actions wasn’t evident to me at the time and after your death, it still took years to emerge. Today, all that I have done, I bear the consequences and responsibility.
The day you died, a part of me died with you. The big brother that I wasn’t to you died and the big brother that I should have been to you was born. Your death forced me to see, feel, and realize something I never considered. It made me see, feel, and realize what I made my victim’s family felt. The hurt, pain, grief, anger, sadness, resentment, those unanswered questions as to why and how this happened and the immeasurable loss. I had anger towards your death and toward your killers. I was feeling exactly what my victim’s family was feeling toward me the night I killed their loved one.
Your death woke me up from an unrealistic coma. It helped me see that I had been sleepwalking through my life, on some “Whooooh, it’s me, I’m mad at the world because my daddy isn’t here.” Just to end up no different than him and ignorant to the fact that I had a baby brother who needed me like I needed my dad, in the flesh and plain sight.
I’m sorry baby bro, as your big brother I should have given you the time and attention you needed. I should have given you better options. Instead of showing you how to come up, I should have been showing you how to make it. Instead of showing you the game, I should have been showing you how to play the game. Instead of giving you a gun, I shouldn’t have given you the gun. I was hard on you about fighting back and not being soft, when I should have been hard on you about school, getting an education and being a scholar. Instead of leading you left. I should have steered you right. You were a diamond in the rough and I didn’t properly polish you.
I want to say thank you baby bro for giving me the gift of “empathy.” Your death helped me see me for who I am. Putting me in the shoes of my victim showed me the ugliness of myself, triggering me to change and to never be that person again. Thank you for helping me let go of an anger I held hostage for years.
I was forced to live and move on without you. I wish I could bring you back baby bro, just to hold you. I miss you so much and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to at least say goodbye. I can’t change what happened to you. I can’t change the past or the mistakes I’ve made, but what I can do is learn from my past mistakes. I can change and be the big brother you wanted and needed.
Today, I’m that big brother. I didn’t have the tools then like I have now. So, in your honor, I will give my time and attention, and better options to those traveling down the wrong path. I will be a big brother and mentor to others and I will do this for as long as I live.
I have moments when I struggle. I second guess myself, wondering if I’m doing enough or if I’m doing too much, and sometimes baby bro, I get tired. And, in those moments I think about you and all my questions are answered.
Today, I’m the big brother I should have been to you, because of you. I just wish I could have given you this part of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like I should have been baby bro. I’m sorry it took for you to leave for me to arrive. And, although you’re not here, you’re right here with me. Even in your death you were there for me, because your death gave me life. When you cried out, I heard you. I love you baby bro, forever, for always. Forever I remain…