by Joseph Weathington
Ten years in prison. I was housed at Pelican Bay State Prison (in Crescent City, CA). The institution was on lockdown. I was called to see the Chaplin on Monday, June 9, 2008. The Chaplin told me that my baby brother, Edward was shot and killed. I felt as if a lightning bolt struck my body as I fell after hearing this news. I called my baby sister, Tasha and listened to her describe the circumstances of our brother’s death. My eyes watered because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I went back to my cell, told my cellie what I just found out and when we come off this lockdown, I’m out of here. I called out to the tower officer and asked if I could call my family. Him knowing the situation, allowed me to use the phone. After talking to my mother and other siblings. I asked the tower officer if I could go on the concrete yard to be alone for a while. He did so.
On the concrete yard. I cried, worked out, shadow boxed, cried, shadow boxed, worked out, shadow boxed, cried, shadow boxed, worked out, shadow boxed, cried, talked to myself, blamed myself, cried, beat myself up, and cried. I was going through it. I was filled with anger, grief, pain, sorrow, resentment, and revenge because my baby brother was shot and killed by his own homies.
I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I sat down on the toilet, and like a ton of bricks, it hit me. The way I was feeling at that moment, I made Tammy’s family feel the exact same way. The hurt, pain, grief, sadness, resentment, anger, and those unanswered questions as to why and how this could happen and the immeasurable loss. I was sitting there feeling that way toward those who shot and killed my baby brother, a feeling what Tammy’s family was feeling toward me the night I shot and killed their loved one.
My baby brother’s death woke me up from an unrealistic coma. It helped me see that I had been sleepwalking through my life on some whoa it’s me. I’m mad at the world because my daddy isn’t here, just to end up no different than him because I left my children when they were very young, like my father left me. I was ignorant to the fact that I had a baby brother who needed me, like I needed my father.
The day that my baby brother died, a part of me died too, but his death also brought me to life. His death forced me to see, feel and realize something I never did. It made me take a hard look at myself, to see, feel, realize and understand what I did, and what I made Tammy’s family feel and how I destroyed their lives. My baby brother’s death showed me the ugliness of myself, placing me in Tammy’s family shoes, and how their lives were affected. My baby brother’s death gave me the gift of “empathy” which triggered me to never be that uncaring person ever again.
On that day I made the conscious decision to change. I had no idea how I was going to start this change, but I was certain that I no longer accepted the way things were. I prayed, asking God to forgive me and asking God’s help.
On July 1st, 2008, I was on the bus being transferred to Calipatria State Prison, twenty days after receiving the news of my baby brother’s death. Pelican Bay was still on lockdown and I took that as a sign from God answering my prayers by removing me from a hostile environment.
I arrived at the Calipatria State Prison on July 2nd, 2008. It was a two-day bus ride from Northern to Southern California. We laid over at Corcoran State Prison. It was a long bus ride, but it gave me time to really think about the changes I needed to make in my life and how I will do it while in prison.
There were no self-help classes running at Calipatria, but they had a variety of in-cell study courses on the institutional channels where you can earn a certificate. The first class I signed up for was Stress Management. Then I took Victim Awareness, Anger Management, Parenting From The Inside, Life Skills: Learning a Living, and 5 Secrets to Finding a Job. I was able to start working on myself. I accepted full responsibility for my actions and held myself completely accountable for killing Tammy, an innocent human being. The guilt and shame really started to work on me.
Calipatria ended up discontinuing the in-cell study courses offered on the institutional channels, so I was unable to take other courses. I worked in the kitchen and read a lot. But, those courses that I did take made me take a step back, take a good look at myself, review everything I had done in my life, question why I reacted the way that I did, and how it led me to prison?
On June 5th, 2013 I was on the bus being transferred to CSP-Los Angeles County (Lancaster), Progressive Programming Facility (PPF) yard “A”. Although some inmates shunned coming to Lancaster’s honor yard, solely for fear of what others will say about them. I didn’t care. I disregarded their reasons and excuses and did what I felt was best for me.
Coming to the Progressive Programming Facility (PPF) yard “A”, was the best decision I made. I was able to take several self-help classes on a variety of subjects. I also had the opportunity to take in-cell study courses and courses through correspondence. Taking these self-help classes helped me understand aspects of my life that I suppressed. I was able to see, feel, and understand the pain I caused others, the ripple effect of my actions, the trauma I experienced and how these things affected me as a child into adulthood, the madness that I created, my alcoholism, and my detachment from reality.
I completed a registration application for Coastline Community College, and I took my very first college course the spring semester, 2014 (Business CIIO: The Legal Environment of Business). The education department had a program developed by the inmates called, “book exchange”. If you buy a book, then donate it to the program, you will receive books for future classes. I was sharing a book with another inmate taking the same business class. Before the class was complete, he was put up for transfer. He left the book with me to donate to the program because someone left it to him for the same purpose, so that it could continue.
Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) arrived on the yard in August 2015. I was a participant in the very first Basic Workshop, Advanced Workshop, and Training for Facilitators (T4F) workshop. I facilitated my first (AVP) workshop in November 2015. My participation and facilitating AVP workshops had helped change many aspects of my life.
The transforming powers and guide to the Mandal has given me new standards, values, and principles to live by. I respect myself. I care for others. I expect the best from others and from myself. I think before reacting. I seek a non-violent path. AVP, with its exercises, helped me tap into my humanity, let go of my baggage and brought out a gift that I always had within me.
My journey toward change wasn’t easy and getting to this point in my life was painful. Facing my fears, dealing with my anger toward my father, my alcoholism, living with the regret of shooting and killing Tammy, another human being, not being able to say goodbye to my baby brother, Edward, the pain, grief, sorrow, anger, and suffering I caused Tammy’s family, my family, the community at large, and battling the demons within myself was a terrifying experience.
I am a better man, a better person, and a better human being because of those terrifying experiences. For the first time in my life I have peace in my heart. I let go of an anger that held me hostage most of my life. I can live without alcohol as my crutch. And, I no longer blame everyone or the world for everything that went wrong in my life. More important, I forgave myself.
Today, I have been sober 10 years, 2 months. I instruct three self-help classes, which I was once a participant. I am the Team Coordinator/Senior Facilitator for AVP. I am the secretary for Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I am the building facilitator for Partnership for Re-Entry Program (PREP). And, I write admonition letters to at-risk youth through our Struggling Youth Project.
During my incarceration of twenty years I have gained my GED, achieved an Associate’s Degree in three different majors, made the honor’s list in spring 2015, and the dean’s list in spring 2017. I’m in the application/registration process of enrolling at CSU-Los Angeles in its Bachelor’s Program.
But, what I could do was change me, how I think, how I react, how I behave, and how I live. I didn’t have the tools then as I do now. I didn’t ask for help then as I can now. I no longer carry the burdens of my past, but I have learned from my past. I am aware and conscious of myself and my life has purpose.
Although I am serving a sentence of life without the possibility of parole (LWOP), I can be of service to others, help those as I was helped, be the change I want to see in the world, and build community based on honesty, respect, and caring. This is my only way of giving back, and making a living amends to my victim Tammy Sharel Ephrim and to her family, and to honor my baby brother, Edward L. Jones Jr.