by Thomas Sheen
Twenty years ago, as I attended my father’s funeral I was overwhelmed with grief. My way of coping with my feelings was to hold them in. I believed that it was a sign of weakness to cry and to talk about my feelings of loss and grief. I believed it was easier to mask the pain I felt by getting high.
However, those feeling combined with the other hurts and pains I had bottled up over the years, led me to make the horrific, violent decision to hurt others. I believed that no one cared, and no one understood me.
I was hurting, plus I wanted others to feel the pain I was feeling. As a result, I murdered two innocent human beings and was sentenced to thirty-four years-to-life. I thought my feelings of past traumas and loss would never go away.
Seven weeks ago, one of my best friends and biggest supporters over the last twenty years of my incarceration, my Mom, passed away. When I first heard the news, I felt those feelings of hurt, loss, and grief rise up within my heart and soul.
It was difficult for me to accept that I would not see her again in this life, and that I was not there for her when she needed me the most. I felt sad that I would not be able to attend her funeral and to say my good-byes.
But rather than bottling up my grief, I have learned to express my love and not hold back. I went to my bunk to be alone for a while to pray and to cry. Afterwards, I made a couple phone calls to my friends. They are very good listeners and supportive of my feelings.
The following day, I wrote a letter to be read to her at her resting place. Even though I still felt sad, I felt relieved to share my feelings and pain with those whom I love and trust, my family, friends, and my counselors.
I feel blessed to have learned to express my love and not hold back, to grieve, and to say my good-byes. I will always love my mom and miss having her in my life, however, the pain I feel from her passing is healing. The death of my loved ones has taught me that nothing lasts, not even the pain.