by Thomas Harns
If you’re reading this, then I sincerely hope you’ve acknowledged that there may be a few flaws in your plan. And I’m sorry, like me you had to find out the hard way that you are not in control.
For some this is just a time out, a break from the craziness that we thought we could handle so well. For others, it’s going to be a long trip that you probably want to get off right now.
I speak from experience. I’m on my 23rd year in State Prison on a 15 to life sentence.
At eighteen, I did my first five days in the county jail. I said, “that was going to be the last time,” but that was my beginning of nothing but a string of bad luck and poor choices.
Basically, I was a drug addict. Started out at a very young age, about thirteen years old. I couldn’t care less about school, responsibility, let alone my own life and the ones that cared for me. I just assumed everything was going to be alright. I didn’t realize when you get to be eighteen years old, you have to pay for your high, and either you’re going to work or break the law to pay for your high.
But let’s face it, partying all night makes it kind of hard to show up for work on time every day. It’s just easier to shoplift, sell drugs, but even the most careful criminal accidently walks right into the long arms of the law.
Before my life of crime, I believe I had so many warning signs and trips to county jail, where I, alone, said “that was the last time.”
I knew I was addicted, I wanted to stop. I wanted to get married, have a good job, be a good friend, and husband. My mom wanted me to get my education/degree. I blew everybody and everything off. I was lost, hopeless, and just going wherever the wind carried me.
Before my 29th Birthday, I had two really bad accidents. Totally wiped out three cars and a brick wall, recovered from both, but just couldn’t see that I was dangerously out of control. My mom once told me misery loves company. I remember in and out of trouble chasing the drugs, even living out of my van for a winter with my girlfriend.
Sure, I was miserable. Always broke, fighting with my girl. I could not make a good time happen. My dad wanted nothing to do with me. My mom couldn’t stand me. I was a bum.
It’s funny how when you’re locked up for so many years, all the good places and fun times start popping up. Just too bad I can’t get in the car and go there. If I could go somewhere, I’d probably like to go visit a relative and just talk about their lives, enjoy a good roasted chicken dinner with all my fixings, and maybe a long walk by the river.
I have a 90-year-old aunt who’s still alive, and well, I’d like to go to her church and have a great time. I would like to meet nice people that got their life together. It’s amazing how much that appeals to me, after a hard life and twenty-three years in prison.
Before, I did not like going to groups or doing anything. I was still in rebellion mode. But the cold hard fact, had I not been in that rebellion mode before I came to prison, pride thinking “I know best,” nobody’s going to tell me what to do. I didn’t think I needed education, which by the way is the first sign to being responsible, which by the way, keeps a person out of prison.
I met other inmates, even ex-cons from the outside, they describe me to the tee. I actually had something to say and contribute to the conversation. Bottom line is we all screwed up, one way or another, and nobody wants to be in prison. So, all I had to do was make a concise effort to pay attention and stay focused on sobriety, helping others and myself. Let’s face it, we’re all playing for the gate.
It’s the simple things that make the difference and helps you and the other person feel loved. I ran around trying to satisfy an evil desire that can only lead to prison, or often times death.
Who was I serving? Not a loving God. I only thank God that I was spared and was able to receive His love, grace, and forgiveness.
My thoughts and prayers for whoever reads this, that you too will also see the truth and reality of your past and make the right choices and save yourselves from a long life of disappointments.
Choose life and eat right and share whatever good you find with others. Receive blessings from above not the curses from below. Remember, “live for tomorrow and make sure tomorrow’s there for you.” Peace out.