by John Vasquez
Sometimes the stress seems unbearable. My younger brother is homeless, and I haven’t seen him in twenty-two years. My mother, who turns sixty this year, is in poor physical health and she must drive three and a half hours just to visit me. Here I am in prison and I can’t do anything about it. I feel powerless to help the people I love, and it stresses me the hell out.
I got locked up at sixteen years old and my family has been waiting twenty-five years for me to come home. I’m doing life in prison and I’m unable to tell my family when I’ll be free again. My family is stressed all the time because they worry about me in here. My mother cried the last time I got denied by the parole board.
When I was a teenager I didn’t even think about how my actions would affect my family all these years later. I was very selfish and self-centered because all I cared about was me. In all honestly, I can’t say that I cared about my family back then, because if I truly cared I wouldn’t have chosen my gang over them. I feel more stress knowing that my incarceration causes stress to my family.
Two and a half years ago my grandmother died and I couldn’t attend her funeral. Four of my uncles also died since I’ve been locked up. Life in prison is effed up. But the reality is that even though I’m the one doing time, my family is also doing time with me, and they suffer more and more stress because I’m in here.
A man is supposed to be there for his family. So, what am I? Life is already hard as it is, so why would I cause more unnecessary stress to my family and loved ones. I remember as a youngster I would fight someone if they talked bad about my mama, and I would do anything to keep her from getting hurt. It’s crazy because I’m the one who hurt her the most by getting a life sentence at sixteen years old.
That also stresses me the hell out. I’m told when to eat, when to shower, when to go outside, and when to be strip-search butt naked. Prison is full of stressors and it’s all eff-ed up. Worst of all, I’m growing old in here and life is passing me by.