by Q
When I look in the mirror I see this young girl that’s hurt deep down inside, Lost and confused, hurt and abused, don’t know what to do, trying to gure out my next best move. Addicted to the streets ‘cause I’m always on my feet. Ran away as a child because my young life was wild. Beaten and mistreated, still don’t know a reason. Wondering why I always get high to forget my problems. It’s just some hard shhh to swallow, nobody was there to listen so I stayed missing. Missing in action became a habit.
Starting boostin’ from stores to take care of myself nancially. Mentally I had a lot going on and didn’t have nobody I could trust to go to. I felt like everybody was against me. I ran away so much I ended up getting sent out of state. Got sent to Colorado for three years, came back to Cali in 2010. At this point I was 18 and you would think stuff got better, well in my case stuff got worse.
I started to smoke shards again but now I’m fully on one and I’m big time boosting. Now I’m driving, but I’m illegal. I’m in a stolen car driving around to different stores, malls, whatever to make a living.
Now I nd out I’m pregnant and I stopped smoking.
When I had my daughter I started right back to doing the same stuff. I ended up catching a case in SF for receiving stolen property (motor vehicle) and petty theft so now at this point I’m on felony probation. So I done caught about 10 cases so now I have priors.
Now I’m pregnant again with my son. I had him in 2014. I had drugs in my system and in his, so now I have a CPS case and my daughter is involved.
My son’s dad got killed when I was six months pregnant with him. I really lost it then. I didn’t know no better but to turn back to shards. It helped me to not think about nothing. I wanted to forget everything.
It’s so bad that life doesn’t seem that interesting to me at this point. I feel like what is there to live for? I mean my children, but I don’t even have them. I don’t have nobody. Everybody I loved are gone. I don’t have a life.
Behind these walls seems to be my future and it’s sad but it’s real. I’ve been inside more than I’ve been outside. I can’t seem to function in public. I have a mental disorder that’s irking my nerves. I don’t know what to do, I’m so stressed out and it’s like I can’t really say how I feel because I get punished. But they don’t see it as being punished. They see it as keeping me safe. I understand all that, but at the end of the day I’m still going to feel how I feel, so what you gone keep me butt naked in a padded room for life? I know I need help I just don’t know what to do about it right now.
It hurts so bad because I miss my kids so much. I wish I could be there for them. I wish I was capable to care for them. I love them so much, this hurts so bad.
I may laugh and play around a lot. It’s keeping me from breaking. I smile so I don’t cry. Deep down, I have a heavy burden on me. I don’t want to hurt myself, I just wish somebody else would do it for me. A quick and fast way. I’ve been feeling this and there’s so much more that we’ve been through and are going to through. This is not even half.
I think I’m better at writing my problems out than talking about them. Nobody listens to me anyway. Everybody thinks I’m so negative or that I have the worst attitude or that I’m just some bad person. All people ever say about me is all negative things. You don’t know me or know what I’ve been through. I know I have an anger problem, but I don’t mean to come off rude, negative, disrespectful or whatever the case may be. I’m just very defensive, so if I feel intimidated by you, I tend to defend myself. I don’t mean it if I’m wrong. I don’t know how to own up to that. That’s something I’m working on. I just wish I was stronger than what I am. I wish I had somebody to really talk to that will understand me, open ears, let me vent and not judge me.
Now I done found myself in deeper trouble. I caught a new case. I got kicked out of drug court, now I’m back in criminal court waiting to see what’s next. I’m wasting time by not going to court because I know I’m going to have to do some time. I’m ready for it. I hate myself right now. I don’t do stuff right. I’m taking a break, be back shortly.
I’m back and I feel way better. I went to court and they sentenced me, so I get out in July on no probation or nothing. So I feel like God
is really with me and I have a purpose for my life.